Macgyvering My Way Through Motherhood

Toddler Twins Think They're Gangster AF In Secret Online Diary

9/29/2016

Yes. You read that right.

Apparently these two little people believe they're "gangsta" now.

I hear you.
And just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder🤔

Let's just say that if the 1990's version of Master P, and Maggie Smith from Downton Abbey randomly decided to procreate, and then in one way or another, ended up with some kind of rosy cheeked, albino faced love child, who was then consistently coached by Vanilla Ice on how to speak "gangsta", then these sparsely hard core-ish diary entries, would be the embarassing archives of such an ASININE adventure.

And BELIEVE me.
I tried to explain to these boys that the fact that they're only ONE, have strawberry hair, and are as WHITE as the day is long, that they probably wouldn't be taken seriously as "gangsters", and that they're definitely NOT cool enough to spit "gangsta" flo (which...evidently, neither am I)

BUTTTT...
they just weren't having any of it.

NONE, bruh.
....What?
*ahem*
I meant, NONE.

And yet, here we are.

What can I say?

One minute they're speaking British slang, impersonating Peppa the Pig, and challenging the European Union, and the next they're trying to speak gangster, while also aiming to maintain their newfound pirate status.

I'm just somewhere in the middle, trying to keep up.

But whatever.
Who am I to go and crush their 16 month old dreams of wanting to talk like gangsters?

The psychological repercussions of an abysmal decision such as this, could be CATASTROPHIC.

Just do your thing boys,
I ain't mad atcha😍🤘🏻

Aaand here they are...
Two tiny, super white wanna-be "gangsters", comin right atcha:

Monday

Dear Diary:

What's crackin, playboy?

Today we rode back to that enormous joint with all the snacks, TVs and adults that be trippin, and I got to cruise around in that aggravating blue push-bus with lots of straps and legroom, yo.

As usual, found myself lost deep, while ridin thru sportin that hellacious yellow getup that my tall lady puts me in sometimes.

She's stuntin hard, B.

She managed to strap me, the less
fly me, and the loud pirate boy all into the same push-bus this time, which was awesome, except that it wasn't, cause every part was jacked.

Shawty left the pirate in charge of givin out snacks to me and the other fool 🙄, while she continued to grab colorful rectangular s#it, and noisy bags from the walls just out of my reach, and kept tossing them into our huge basket.

How's this not my job, playa?

Pullin dope, noisy $#it out of a boundless cupboard and throwing it into a giant basket on wheels sounds like my life's work, mān.

Bout to drop science on this B.

Holla AtChA BoY👊🏻

- Twin B

#mytallpersonisfakinjacks

Tuesday

Dear Diary,

What it do, cuz?

Was finally able to snatch a couple of my colorful eating toys from the shady wall-hole today before my tall fool stopped me.

BrUh👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻

But why she serially blocks me from steppin in there, is some kinda mystery to me, ya dig.

It was CLEARLY put there for entertaining short ballers like me.

How'd she not catch it??

The magic door that folds down into a picnic table is fresh for mounting, and I'm straight up that If she laxed and let me climb up in the curiously loud, water-spraying cup cave, that I'd stay there for at least 7 full days, cuz.

Actually, I'd probably stay even longer if she continued to fetch me cupfuls of apple water, and replenished my eating toys with hummus and those crunchy sticks from time to time.

Holy f*ck!!!
Phatness be paradise🙌🏻🙌🏻

I'll keep at this musing, as I'm straight she can be worn down, specially if I continue to act a foo' and squinch my nose while squealing that Hahaahaaaa!!! Mammaaaa!!!!" sound she thinks is the bees knees.

It'll happen.
Just wait, ol chum.

Cheerio, homey.

- Twin A

#wallholegoals
#whyamiabritishgangster?

Wednesday

Dear Diary:

Wasup B?

Cried my eyes out for 3 flippin hours this afternoon for no apparent reason, yo.

F**k!ng brilliant!!

Hard core.
Almost better than a trip back to Don Uterus.

Sometimes after I've spent the better part of the day strapped to my food chair, runnin from all the tall players, frolickin with my clone, and had my ass wiped 497 times while hearin that f**kin bus-wheel song again, I just feel like screamin my head off, know what I'm sayin?

I think it's my new favorite thing.

Hold up... or has it always been my favorite thing?

Foreals tho, screamin til your inner ear hurts and tons of wet s#*t comes out your face holes, is where it's at playboy.😭😪

True to form tho, the other me caught it, and matched my screams in two part bloody harmony for sport until we split plate glass, but the nice lady didn't trip, as she strictly lifted up her rectangular light up hand toy, and clicked a sound while grinnin.

She do that a lot, fa sho.

I'd actually like to see her put that bitch-a$$ thing down and go off herself once in a while. It'd probably do her some good, and Lord knows I'd enjoy watchin her do da damn thang.

Mān, it won't happen anytime soon tho, as she seems fresh enough at the end of the day sipping on her "night juice" or whatever she calls it.

Bruh😮
Speaking of juice, gotta go.

Preach✌🏻️✌🏻️

-Twin B

#applewaterwinseverytime
#naamean?

Thursday

Dear Diary,

Wat up thug?

"Hhhaaarrrggghhh Maattteeyy!!!!!"

Or something like that, maright?

That's all the pirate ever slings anymore.

Those aren't even words, yo. It's more just a lot of ear-splitting, hype growling.

All. Damn. Day. 😵😵😵

Get a new catch phrase, homey.

And the tall lady wonders why we continue to gank his pretend swords til he sees red.

Payback time, snitches!!

Just saying🖕🏻

I ain't the one, playa.

- Twin B

#piratehairdontcare

Friday

Dear diary,

Wuz wit it, shorty?

Damn.
Shat myself awake again this morning without crying, but grunted buck wild enough to piss the other me off, until he pissed himself.

Not a bad way to start the day, really.

Better than a chin check, playa, kno I'm sayin?😤

Except for the scary flava that my ass-bag unleashed..
motherf**cking death on a leash!!

What madness they been giving me, homey?😷💩😷💩

And why do I keep on eatin until i'm toe up?!?😵

Ooh.
Speaking of wise eats,
I'm out b-boy🌯🍳

Blow up tha' spot✌🏻️

- Twin A

#getyourshittogether

Saturday

Dear Diary:

Wassup jack?

Tried to swallow my bib tonight at food time, but it didn't turn out as planned, G.

For realz tho, it was way tastier than that other rough bizness they've been trying to feed me lately, like those small tree remnants that appear to have come from the yard.

What the $h!t?

Maybe after I grow a few more of these painful, spiny daggers that keep poppin in my mouth, I'll finally be able to use em for a turnt activity (such as being able to finally devour my bib) instead of cryin bout em til my face hurts when it's quiet, and the sun has peaced out.

I got ur back, bruh👊🏻

Don't turn assed out.

- Twin B

#savethesmalltrees

Click here to check out the first diary entries from these two maniacs : Identical Twins Share Their Secret Online Diary: 10th Month Edition