Parenting three children is oddly similar to carefully looking both ways before crossing the street, and then getting hit by an airplane.
And while I haven't technically been through the pregnancy and infant stages at three separate points in time, somehow over the past three years I feel as though I've been through it 6 different times, with 9 different children.
I suppose when your uterus starts favoring multiplication over addition, thereby bringing forth two children at a time into the world when your oldest is hardly two, then it's normal to feel this way?
And quite possibly, time to stop having children altogether?
Not sure, and I wouldn't know the difference anyways, but that doesn't change the fact that there is a peculiar normality that exists when you are parenting for the first, second and third time around.
In fact, I've discovered that the extent to which my heart enlarges, and my capacity to love noticeably increases with each additional child, it is also directly and inversely proportional to the degree to which I give a shit.
About the small things, that is.
A sequential parenting phenomenon, if you will, that conversely influences our ability to concern ourselves with the mundane things that once seemed so important as they were when we first became parents.
Like wipes warmers, for example --
what mastermind is decisively buying these?
That would be me.
Actually I'm kidding, but once upon a time I strongly considered it.
Why?
Because I knew nothing of how to co-exist with a tiny human, and I thought to myself "Surely the little chap would appreciate some warmed-up, ass wipes, right?"
Well thankfully, that purchase never actualized, because as it turns out asses do in fact adapt to how you treat them, and continually seem to adjust to the cold or warm circumstances at hand.
Because, of course they do.
But I don't want to talk about husbands right now, just parenting, so let's get back to it.
I know this to be true, because when a brand new ass is touched with a room temperature wipe, (that somehow always feels merely 1 degree above freezing point) it jerks away and causes the little guy to cry.
But after a couple weeks of this same activity? Very little jerkage.
And I can only deduce that the antithetical situation would produce similar outcomes, thereby resulting in an unfavorable, over-indulged ass that only desires warm things touching it.
Which is why you'll find exactly zero second and third time parents making frivolous purchases such as these.
To put it simply, sooner or later I guess we just begin to give fewer f*cks.
And luckily, after having twins this go round, I must have jumped from first-child mindset, to third-child mindset without a glitch, because somedays I'm of the belief that as long as we all manage to put on pants before leaving the house, not choke, and not set the house on fire, then we're all set.
What at can I say?
Caring less, reduces stress.
That being said, I reluctantly urge you to follow this unreasonable 8 step guide as a starting off point for parenting your first, second, and third child, respectively.
(Those with more than three children don't apply, as they're likely no longer capable of remembering how to do things like read, or stand.)
But after a couple weeks of this same activity? Very little jerkage.
And I can only deduce that the antithetical situation would produce similar outcomes, thereby resulting in an unfavorable, over-indulged ass that only desires warm things touching it.
Which is why you'll find exactly zero second and third time parents making frivolous purchases such as these.
To put it simply, sooner or later I guess we just begin to give fewer f*cks.
And luckily, after having twins this go round, I must have jumped from first-child mindset, to third-child mindset without a glitch, because somedays I'm of the belief that as long as we all manage to put on pants before leaving the house, not choke, and not set the house on fire, then we're all set.
What at can I say?
Caring less, reduces stress.
That being said, I reluctantly urge you to follow this unreasonable 8 step guide as a starting off point for parenting your first, second, and third child, respectively.
(Those with more than three children don't apply, as they're likely no longer capable of remembering how to do things like read, or stand.)
1.How to prepare the nursery:
Baby # 1:
Exactly 48 hours after you've nervously urinated onto that short plastic stick, and have concluded that there is in fact a microscopic genius inhabiting your uterus, let the madness begin by memorizing your favorite aspects from all 397 pins on your Pinterest "Nursery" decorating board.
After week 20, strive to bring it to life by selecting the most current gender specific colors, and embarking on the miraculous journey of painting overpriced things, ordering overpriced things, and shopping for overpriced things.
Followed by additional ordering, shopping, and painting of overpriced things.
In case you missed it, just go ahead and purchase ALL THE MOTHERF*CKING OVERPRICED THINGS, as your growing uterus and ragingly plentiful hormones will eventually persuade you to do so anyways.
It's science.
If Homegoods, Potterybarnkids.com, and Target somehow decided to engage in a lively threesome, and then magically acquired some kind of chevron striped love-child, who suddenly vomited then your baby's room would be the color coordinated, and beautifully furnished conclusion of such a stupid event.
Now, proceed with spending the final days of your pregnancy pissing off and demanding —*AHEM* sorry —REMINDING your husband to finish the parts of this project that your excitable, top heavy self cannot complete, thereby causing him to endure his second decorating related stress migraine this month.
Get ready first-born, your kingdom awaits.
Baby # 2:
What month are you in, eight? Nine?
Probably time to for you to paint the nursery in your favorite hue of either rose or cerulean. Put a crib in the corner.
Finito.
Because your due date's tomorrow.
Get excited second-born, a painted room with a crib awaits you.
Baby # 3:
*Throws used crib mattress onto floor of spare bedroom and swiftly claps hands together back and forth*
"Phew!"
Right in the nick of time...
your baby turns one next week.
Look alive third, the bed of a worn out family member awaits.
2. How to clean and dress your baby:
Baby # 1:
Give them a daily bath, (twice a day if they've had a blowout) and dress them in freshly laundered, brand new, designer coordinated threads with an occasional (stain free, of course) hand me down outfit thrown in.
Change their diaper exactly seveneteen times a day.
Never let them wear the same outfit twice in one week.
Heaven forbid two days in a row.
Who TF does that?
Baby # 2:
Bathe them 2 days a week, 3 if you're feeling spontaneous, and put them mostly in hand me downs (slightly stained of course) from their older sibling, and cousins.
Change their diaper almost 4 times a day.
Never miss an opportunity to let them not wear pants, be naked, or wear the same outfit twice before washing, especially if you aren't leaving the house (or if its Monday through Sunday).
Really, who TF doesn't do that?
#laundrywin.
Baby #3:
Looks like a homeless Jimmy Buffett.
Why fight it?
(And yes I'm aware that that's a picture of drunk Nick Nolte just before getting arrested)
#namaste
Looks like a homeless Jimmy Buffett.
Why fight it?
(And yes I'm aware that that's a picture of drunk Nick Nolte just before getting arrested)
#namaste
3. How to Put your baby To Bed:
Baby # 1:
Begin your 90 minute nightly routine, of bentonite clay and lavender laced Epsom salt bath, followed by a hot stone shiatsu massage while singing 14 soft lullabies to them compassionately in Mandarin.
Read them 14 age related board books recommended by your "My Child Obviously Has Genius DNA" app, then make sock puppets and talk about capstone goals.
Dress them in clean, matching pajamas, and swaddle them until they resemble a tiny, purple, human spring roll.
Lovingly place them in a co-sleeping bassinet that's directly attached to your bedside for at least the first 9 months, so that you can check on them periodically throughout the night to make sure they are still capable of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide when their eyes are shut.
Conclude that the cry-it-out method is an exceptional alternative to the worst kind of psychological torture, (theirs AND yours) and fully commit yourself to rocking, nursing or replacing the pacifier every time you hear them begin to whimper.
Sleep training was clearly created by satanists, who were born without a soul.
Baby # 2:
As you carry them up the stairs to their room in their mismatched, hand me down pjs, hum the tune of that song that’s been stuck in your head since breakfast, and place them on their back, in their own crib.
Say prayers, tell em you love em, and turn out the light.
Put a video monitor next to your bed, and turn the volume down to the lowest possible setting.
Sleep training was clearly created by sleep-help professionals who know what the fuck they are talking about.
#sleepgoals
Baby # 3:
Throw them on the bed,
the swing,
your husband,
your nipples...
literally anywhere that they can fall asleep quickly, so that you and the rest of your collection of delirious family members can finally catch some zzz's.
Sleep training was clearly created by people who had enough time, or friggin energy to commit to such a daunting task.
#cosleepingforthewin
4. how to clean and dress yourself:
After Baby # 1:
During your daily shower, safely strap baby into their state of the art, light-up casino-musical alphabet brail reading chair directly outside the curtain, so that you can check on them every 43 seconds to make sure they're not deteriorating from lack of you smiling at them.
End up playing peek-a-boo with them for the majority of it, and forget to shave one leg.
Dress yourself in the cute new mommy clothes that you had the time to purchase the other day as they napped quietly in their stroller, and manage to dry and brush your hair just in the nick of time to put them down for their nap.
After Baby # 2:
Throw them into the used excersaucer downstairs in the playroom, alongside your firstborn who's watching "Blaze and the Monster Machines" for the fifth time today, while you take your tri-weekly shower upstairs.
Turn the water off 3 different times while trying to rinse your hair because you think you hear the baby crying.
On the fourth attempt, leap from the shower (lathered hair and all), because this time you do in fact hear your baby screaming bloody murder after your firstborn flicked them in the ear again.
Upon remedying the situation, finish rinsing your hair, let it air dry and tie it up in a pony tail, then throw on your favorite maternity pants and strategically flowy top.
#currentmomfashion
After Baby # 3:
*sniffs unshaved armpit and tightens 3 day old, ugly messy bun*
Have you even had your shower this week?
*whispered* Who TF cares.
Just grab some baby wipes and hit the high spots, spray some more of that dry shampoo onto the parts of your hair that appear to have been marinating in vegetable oil for 14 days, and throw on some loose fitting yoga wear.
Apply your favorite lip gloss.
#instanthottie.
5. how to STOP YOUR baby FROM CRYING:
Baby # 1:
At the first sign of any whimper, frown, or defecating induced cross-eyed stare, immediately pick them up and console them by simultaneously singing, swaying, shushing, swaddling, swirling and scaring them (or whatever the hell the last "S" stands for, from that famous "Happiest Baby..." book)
The more canoodling, the better, right?
Really just aim to have skin-to-skin contact for at least 28 hours a day for the first 12 months, give or take a few.
Baby # 2:
Pick them up and comfort them when and if they are screaming loud enough to wake your firstborn.
And of course when they’re looking cute.
Baby # 3:
Praise your oldest child for remembering how to re-start the baby's swing when they happen to overhear them crying.
From down the hall — and up the stairs.
6. How to spend Free time and Document milestones:
Baby # 1:
Spend every second gazing into their eyes, watching them sleep and celebrating every inconsequential new milestone reached by taking pictures, and posting them on social media and/or sending to friends and family members.
Document 112% of these precious moments into your artistically crafted online photo book collection of their first year.
Write a novel.
#freetime
Baby # 2:
Spend all your free time trying to prevent your firstborn from haphazardly waking, scaring, dismembering, or stepping on your newborn.
Document 37% of their noticeable milestones into the notes section of your iphone.
Document 37% of their noticeable milestones into the notes section of your iphone.
Baby # 3:
Free time?
What’s that...
like a sandwich?
I'm sorry, I make negative sense when I haven't eaten.
Which is interesting, because I spend all my extra time preparing the assloads of food that are required to feed the bottomless pit that is my family.
But if you're like me, any other extra minutes that you do have, you probably spend hiding from your children while (drinking coffee by day, wine by night) and partially listening in from afar to make sure that they aren't finding ways to cripple each other.
Or themselves.
Make a mental note of the third's birthday.
#sandwiches
7. How to feed them solids:
Baby # 1:
At exactly 4 months, begin pureeing your own homemade baby food out of locally grown organic fruit, vegetables, and 100% wheat-free, gluten-free, smile-free grains that you purchased from that local "Celebrate Oneness With Raw Plants And Bees" store, and cheerfully spoon feed them until they're 79 months old.
Take video footage of every new food experience, and upload to Facebook and Instagram, STAT.
Baby # 2:
Around month 5, as you're out shopping for diapers large enough to fit a 13 year old, which are actually for your 3 year old who has yet to crap anywhere productive except your feet, or at the top of the stairs, you spot the baby food section.
This reminds you that it's probably time to start feeding baby #2 some solids.
Maybe best that they stop bottle feeding themselves for every single meal in a bouncy chair on the floor.
Grab a couple Beechnut concoctions and throw them into the cart.
Mainly though, just chop up leftover versions of whatever your toddler eats (or pretends to eat by licking and then leaving to dry on his plate).
Somehow, out of all 30 of those useful little baby food containers that you purchased the first time around, you're left with exactly 2 containers, and 29 lids.
Because, naturally.
Baby # 3:
"Step it up kids, time to feed yourselves."
*scatters handful of cheerios onto 7 month olds high chair trays and goes back to folding laundry*
Note: The "Baby Led Weaning" movement, should also be known as the "I've not the time or energy to create things and feed them to you, so you'll just wait until you can feed yourself" movement.
Obviously created by a second plus time parent.
#genius
8. How to do laundry:
Baby # 1:
After laundering your baby's color sorted piles of new clothes in dye-free, unscented, hypoallergenic detergent, neatly fold them and put them away into their color coded location in baby's nursery.
Upon completion, stand back and admire how cute their tiny clothes look, all sorted neatly and put away in their designated spots.
And see to it that you note this pleasant "the laundry is finished, and now I have some down time" feeling.
Because that feeling ROCKS.
And won’t last for shit.
#organized
Baby # 2:
Right,
So now you have a toddler..
AND a newborn.
It's going to get turnt.
Sorry, I'm old AF and clearly don't know how to use that word.
But in case you didn’t know, toddlers just want to put on and take off different clothes all day long, and newborns just want to spit-up and blow-out on different clothes all day long.
So just learn to love piles.
Of clothes, that is.
Because piles of scattered clothes will somehow begin to effortlessly work their way around your home.
Are they clean?
Maybe.
Are they dirty?
Probably.
Are they wet?
Definitely.
Just go ahead and get used to the notion that discovering another pile of laundry to do, IS the new down time.
And learn to embrace every bit of the 13 seconds when your laundry is finished.
But also, just do another load.
Baby # 3:
Repeat after me:
"It's time to do the motherf*cking laundry again."
Now, as long as you find yourself repeating and ACTING upon those spellbinding words THRICE A DAY, (that's 3 for those who don't speak nonsense) every single day for the rest of your laundering life, then you just might possibly be able to stay sufficiently BEHIND the shit-storm of laundry that is necessary to do when you have two adults and three children living in your house.
Just maybe.
But probably not.
Because who TF with three children has the time, energy or sheer determination to do 3 loads of laundry a day?
Happy laundering & God speed🤘🏻
#WINE
mommin' ain't easy.
you're doing better than you think♣️
You'll continue to find yourself parenting better than I do after reading these fine articles:
The 6 Asinine Parenting Judgements That My Pre-Kids Self Made, And Why I Want To Punch Her In The Vagina
Dear Preschooler: Please Crap Your Pants And Lose Your Shoe, It's Time To Leave The House
3 Unfortunate Subjects That You'll become An Expert In Once You Have Children
Identical Twins Share Their Secret Online Diary: Tenth Month Edition
The 6 Asinine Parenting Judgements That My Pre-Kids Self Made, And Why I Want To Punch Her In The Vagina
Dear Preschooler: Please Crap Your Pants And Lose Your Shoe, It's Time To Leave The House
3 Unfortunate Subjects That You'll become An Expert In Once You Have Children
Identical Twins Share Their Secret Online Diary: Tenth Month Edition
Romans 12:2
John 12:46
John 12:46