It started out simple enough...
isn't that always the way?
It was just a typical morning, trying to get my children ready to leave the house for my oldest son's preschool drop-off.
But the catch here is that this is how EVERY MORNING goes in our house, give or take a few crazies.
Now, do I always have to drive my preschooler and his brothers to school and do drop off?
No.
(Thank you mom!)
But do I have to deal with getting three adorable sanity terrorists in, and out of, the house to at least go SOMEWHERE every day?
You bet your sweet mom ass I do. And by choice!
Because as crazy as it is, I'd much rather take the circus out, than to stay home with it and watch it parade around my home like a clutter breeding, snack destroying stampede.
But there is no embellishment needed here, as I actually can't even imagine how it could get any more hectic....well, scratch that...
actually I can, but let's not go there, alright? I'm more than fine with just the three littles in tow at the moment. People with 4 or more, you're my heroes!!
And so here you have it, a typical preschool morning in 79 quick and easy steps:
1. Wake up for the 4th time since going to bed last night (because... teething twins), to your 3 year old placing a long ribbon of toilet paper on your head declaring "Mommy, I went poo-poo!!"
2. Squint-open one eye while glaring at smelly perpetrator; roll out of bed while half-heartedly congratulating him, and take to bathroom to wipe tiny arse; wash hands.
3. GO MAKE COFFEE.
4. Get out milk, dump one quarter of it onto the floor, then pour into coffee.
5. Go Look for towel to wipe up spill.
6. Get sidetracked by seeing scattered clothes on floor, and throw in load of laundry.
7. Return to kitchen and re-encounter milk, grab coffee as you look for towel again.
8. Find towel, put coffee down somewhere.
9. Clean up spill.
10. Go get dressed while simultaneously arguing with someone half your size about why they're not wearing pajamas, yesterdays underwear, and a pirate sword to school today.
11. Go look for hot, liquid coworker (coffee).
12. Go wake from a dead sleep both 15 month olds who are still snoring happily in cribs.
(Note** This step isn't necessary on the mornings that you stay home; that's when they'll be up at dawn.)
13. Reach into crib and hoist first twin up onto hip, reach into second crib and repeat.
14. Carefully walk downstairs while holding adorable loons; feel the burn. (Which is key, bc that'll be twin workout #1 of 37 today)
15. Change diapers, see to it that they're good and pissed off, and place them in play room with pirate leader.
16. Set out 3 year old's yogurt while hollering "come eat!";
re-locate coworker.
2. Squint-open one eye while glaring at smelly perpetrator; roll out of bed while half-heartedly congratulating him, and take to bathroom to wipe tiny arse; wash hands.
3. GO MAKE COFFEE.
4. Get out milk, dump one quarter of it onto the floor, then pour into coffee.
5. Go Look for towel to wipe up spill.
6. Get sidetracked by seeing scattered clothes on floor, and throw in load of laundry.
7. Return to kitchen and re-encounter milk, grab coffee as you look for towel again.
8. Find towel, put coffee down somewhere.
9. Clean up spill.
10. Go get dressed while simultaneously arguing with someone half your size about why they're not wearing pajamas, yesterdays underwear, and a pirate sword to school today.
11. Go look for hot, liquid coworker (coffee).
12. Go wake from a dead sleep both 15 month olds who are still snoring happily in cribs.
(Note** This step isn't necessary on the mornings that you stay home; that's when they'll be up at dawn.)
13. Reach into crib and hoist first twin up onto hip, reach into second crib and repeat.
14. Carefully walk downstairs while holding adorable loons; feel the burn. (Which is key, bc that'll be twin workout #1 of 37 today)
15. Change diapers, see to it that they're good and pissed off, and place them in play room with pirate leader.
16. Set out 3 year old's yogurt while hollering "come eat!";
re-locate coworker.
17. Heat it back up, take one sip and spill it down the front of your shirt.
18. Look down at impressive stain, but then smile and shrug at yourself after realizing you already give zero f**ks today.
19. Inform your 3 year old it's time to put on his school clothes and shoes.
20. Find him putting on his camo pants and flip flops.
21. Tell him to go put on his school shorts and blue shoes..."the Velcro ones!!"
22. Find him shoeless, wearing his pajamas inside out, and a pirate patch.
23. Attempt to take off his pajamas, and put on the shirt that you've picked out.
24. Chase him through the foyer, the den, the kitchen, the office, and finally intercept him in the upstairs guest room.
25. Find yourself in a full blown wrestling match just as you catch an elbow to the cheek, and break into a man sweat.
26. Demand that he finish putting on the clothes you just half dressed him in as you go back down to tend to his brothers.
27. Find twin A riding twin B like a pack mule, and go look for camera.
28. Come back to find twin A holding 17 wipes and the remote, while twin B does dance-squats to a Rihanna remix on an unfortunate musical program twin A found entitled "House Beats".
29. Grab the first twin you can get your hands on, and strap into high chair.
30. Scatter Cheerios and fruit bits about.
31. Go to grab second twin but find him poop-grunt-screaming in corner; leave him until he's done.
32. Discover three year old in laundry room, naked, digging for yesterday's underwear.
33. Deal with temper tantrum
(yours, not his).
34. Repeat 3 year old wardrobe fuckery standoff until you forget who you are, and think you hear birds.
35. Look for your coffee and/or a pillow to scream into.
36. Go and change second twin's diaper and throw him into high chair with some Cheerios and fruit bits.
37. Sip coffee while packing Buick-sized diaper bag with 47 miscellaneous pieces of useful crap.
38. Take first tot out of high chair and put down on kitchen floor.
39. Go to get second tot out of high chair but suddenly hear loud bang.
40. Turn to see that first tot has pulled down open cheerio box and several large pans from cabinet onto floor and is now screaming bc he hates loud noises.
41. Turn and take second tot out of high chair, and place onto kitchen floor.
42. Pick up and comfort crying twin.
43. Watch 3 year old come whipping through the kitchen like a bat out of hell, and accidentally slam into blissfully unaware twin.
44. Watch the deplorable shit hit the fan, while instructing the sprinting mad man to go get in his timeout chair.
45. Tighten what's left of abs, scoop up second screaming tot while still holding first screaming tot.
46. Watch their tears gradually fade to giggles.
47. Watch giggles immediately turn back to rage as the first one deliberately pokes the other in the eyeball, just as the one being poked firmly yanks the piss out of the other ones hair.
48. Put both pissed off diabolicals down far, far away from you; back away slowly, go refill coffee.
49. Look for twins clothes.
50. Come back and inefficiently attempt to dress them while being repeatedly karate chopped to the snatch.
51. Finally announce in the direction of all 3 children "Ok guys, lets go!! If we don't leave now, then we'll miss preschool drop off!!"
(Which is really just a nicer way of saying "If we don't get this clusterf#ck of a quad-squad out the door with a quickness, then I'll have to participate in the catastrophic sh*tshow that is unloading and reloading three innocent terrorists from a bus for the second time in a 15 minute span, and that sounds awful, so let's get this bitch moving, yes?!?")
52. Take part in the stupidest version of small person tag for the next four and a half minutes of your life, and finally scoop up the baby closest to you.
53. Walk out the door to go to the car with baby #1 on hip.
54. Cue tears from baby #2 who is watching you walk out the door holding his clone; shout "Mommy's coming back!" as you walk away.
55. Strap first baby into car seat, turn around and walk back inside.
56. Cue tears from the baby watching you walk away from the car; again shout "Mommy's coming back!!" as you jog away.
57. Run back inside, scoop up the second crying tot, locate your preschooler (who's still shoeless and is now wearing a pajama shirt with jeans and a neck tie btw, but remember, zero fucks given) take his hand and half-drag him behind you out the door as you grab another 7 items of paraphernalia that are required to leave the house with 3 small people.
58. Grab coffee thermos with your third arm.
29. Grab the first twin you can get your hands on, and strap into high chair.
30. Scatter Cheerios and fruit bits about.
31. Go to grab second twin but find him poop-grunt-screaming in corner; leave him until he's done.
32. Discover three year old in laundry room, naked, digging for yesterday's underwear.
33. Deal with temper tantrum
(yours, not his).
34. Repeat 3 year old wardrobe fuckery standoff until you forget who you are, and think you hear birds.
35. Look for your coffee and/or a pillow to scream into.
36. Go and change second twin's diaper and throw him into high chair with some Cheerios and fruit bits.
37. Sip coffee while packing Buick-sized diaper bag with 47 miscellaneous pieces of useful crap.
38. Take first tot out of high chair and put down on kitchen floor.
39. Go to get second tot out of high chair but suddenly hear loud bang.
40. Turn to see that first tot has pulled down open cheerio box and several large pans from cabinet onto floor and is now screaming bc he hates loud noises.
41. Turn and take second tot out of high chair, and place onto kitchen floor.
42. Pick up and comfort crying twin.
43. Watch 3 year old come whipping through the kitchen like a bat out of hell, and accidentally slam into blissfully unaware twin.
44. Watch the deplorable shit hit the fan, while instructing the sprinting mad man to go get in his timeout chair.
45. Tighten what's left of abs, scoop up second screaming tot while still holding first screaming tot.
46. Watch their tears gradually fade to giggles.
47. Watch giggles immediately turn back to rage as the first one deliberately pokes the other in the eyeball, just as the one being poked firmly yanks the piss out of the other ones hair.
48. Put both pissed off diabolicals down far, far away from you; back away slowly, go refill coffee.
49. Look for twins clothes.
50. Come back and inefficiently attempt to dress them while being repeatedly karate chopped to the snatch.
51. Finally announce in the direction of all 3 children "Ok guys, lets go!! If we don't leave now, then we'll miss preschool drop off!!"
(Which is really just a nicer way of saying "If we don't get this clusterf#ck of a quad-squad out the door with a quickness, then I'll have to participate in the catastrophic sh*tshow that is unloading and reloading three innocent terrorists from a bus for the second time in a 15 minute span, and that sounds awful, so let's get this bitch moving, yes?!?")
52. Take part in the stupidest version of small person tag for the next four and a half minutes of your life, and finally scoop up the baby closest to you.
53. Walk out the door to go to the car with baby #1 on hip.
54. Cue tears from baby #2 who is watching you walk out the door holding his clone; shout "Mommy's coming back!" as you walk away.
55. Strap first baby into car seat, turn around and walk back inside.
56. Cue tears from the baby watching you walk away from the car; again shout "Mommy's coming back!!" as you jog away.
57. Run back inside, scoop up the second crying tot, locate your preschooler (who's still shoeless and is now wearing a pajama shirt with jeans and a neck tie btw, but remember, zero fucks given) take his hand and half-drag him behind you out the door as you grab another 7 items of paraphernalia that are required to leave the house with 3 small people.
58. Grab coffee thermos with your third arm.
59. Strap second baby into car seat as you spot your preschooler escaping into the back yard to find treasures.
60. Start shouting half-assed profanities into the air coupled with a "get over here, NOW!!!" or something to that effect, but trail off because your one year old is now attempting a somersault in his car seat as you strap him in, and "holy f#ck this kid is strong"!!!
61. Try and grab your 3 year old as he flies past you, but end up chasing him around the car thrice before catching him.
62. Capture him, and cue the three year old cry-rebuttals as you tell him he can't bring 4 small tree branches and a medium sized boulder from the yard along for the car ride.
63. Lovingly place the Tasmanian devil in his car seat, and strap him down.
64. Celebrate the stupefaction that all 4 of you are finally strapped into the car by almost running over your coffee thermos that you forgot about on the back bumper as you back out of the driveway.
65. Stop the car, jump out, drop to the pavement and roll halfway under your SUV to grab your trusty indestructible cup, and chug what's left just as you glance over to notice your neighbor has been watching all of this, and is now smiling at you as though you have a cyborg growing out of your ass crack.
66. Wave, shrug and smile as you jump back in and drive off.
67. Turn up some very age-inappropriate music exactly past the point of being able to make out what your children are pissed about, and hope that you make it to pre-school in time for drop off.
68. Chuckle at yourself for considering such a ludicrous thought.
69. Turn down music and warn preschooler that if his shoes aren't on by the time you pull into school, that he'll not be going to Chik-fil-A after school with his Gigi today, which is also known as "the MEANEST thing"
70. Hit every single red light and occupied crosswalk on the way, while you start to daydream about what you're going to do with your "free time" once you drop off your oldest.
71. Laugh about pretending to have free time. That shit's funny.
72. Pull into school parking lot.
73. MISS DROP OFF!!!! 😕☹️😡😫
74. Slam head into steering wheel.
75. Notice your preschooler still isn't wearing shoes.
76. Re-slam head into steering wheel.
77. Spend 137 minutes on the following infelicitous chain of events:
•hoisting 13 ton stroller from rear of pinto sized vehicle
•un-strapping pissed twins from car,
•re-strapping pissed twins into 13 ton stroller,
•looking for toy to appease first crying twin,
•Finding phone, wallet and keys to throw into stroller,
•looking for lost sippy cup to appease second crying twin
•unstrapping your still shoeless preschooler from car seat,
•informing him that because he didn't listen he will have to endure "the MEANEST thing" after school today
•witnessing the most elaborate showing of tantrum scream-cries while exiting a car by your three year old to date,
•waiting for deeply agitated preschooler to put his shoes on "all by himself", cause Lord knows you're not going there right now
•still waiting for your child to finish putting on shoes at the pace of a mostly-dead sloth
•feeling crappy about having to enforce "the MEANEST thing" but realizing that practicing "warning without enforcing" leads to advanced asshole-ism, which is bad,
•pushing cranky twins down the very long walkway into school while still loudly tantruming preschooler trails behind,
•shrugging, smiling and laughing at other moms who give you sympathy stares,
•FINALLY reaching classroom destination inside of building where you ask your preschooler to explain to awesome teacher why he's crying
78. Listen to awesome teacher back you up and reply with beautiful response about God's grace.
79. Thank her, hug your little man and tell him you love him, and walk away with grateful tears in your eyes.
BOOM.
Welcome to your life.
Smile, and understand with a strange confidence that beyond a shadow of a doubt, you wouldn't change one crazy, motherloving moment of this wild ride that you're on called motherhood.
Because even though you happen to relive a different, but similar version of this insanity on a DAILY basis, it's beautiful because it's yours, and you rock at it.
And even when you don't feel that way, you know that you can always ask and receive His unending and mind-blowing grace to assist you.
And thank God for that.
But also, thank caffeine.
Cause that bitch is important.
60. Start shouting half-assed profanities into the air coupled with a "get over here, NOW!!!" or something to that effect, but trail off because your one year old is now attempting a somersault in his car seat as you strap him in, and "holy f#ck this kid is strong"!!!
61. Try and grab your 3 year old as he flies past you, but end up chasing him around the car thrice before catching him.
62. Capture him, and cue the three year old cry-rebuttals as you tell him he can't bring 4 small tree branches and a medium sized boulder from the yard along for the car ride.
63. Lovingly place the Tasmanian devil in his car seat, and strap him down.
64. Celebrate the stupefaction that all 4 of you are finally strapped into the car by almost running over your coffee thermos that you forgot about on the back bumper as you back out of the driveway.
65. Stop the car, jump out, drop to the pavement and roll halfway under your SUV to grab your trusty indestructible cup, and chug what's left just as you glance over to notice your neighbor has been watching all of this, and is now smiling at you as though you have a cyborg growing out of your ass crack.
66. Wave, shrug and smile as you jump back in and drive off.
67. Turn up some very age-inappropriate music exactly past the point of being able to make out what your children are pissed about, and hope that you make it to pre-school in time for drop off.
68. Chuckle at yourself for considering such a ludicrous thought.
69. Turn down music and warn preschooler that if his shoes aren't on by the time you pull into school, that he'll not be going to Chik-fil-A after school with his Gigi today, which is also known as "the MEANEST thing"
70. Hit every single red light and occupied crosswalk on the way, while you start to daydream about what you're going to do with your "free time" once you drop off your oldest.
71. Laugh about pretending to have free time. That shit's funny.
72. Pull into school parking lot.
73. MISS DROP OFF!!!! 😕☹️😡😫
74. Slam head into steering wheel.
75. Notice your preschooler still isn't wearing shoes.
76. Re-slam head into steering wheel.
77. Spend 137 minutes on the following infelicitous chain of events:
•hoisting 13 ton stroller from rear of pinto sized vehicle
•un-strapping pissed twins from car,
•re-strapping pissed twins into 13 ton stroller,
•looking for toy to appease first crying twin,
•Finding phone, wallet and keys to throw into stroller,
•looking for lost sippy cup to appease second crying twin
•unstrapping your still shoeless preschooler from car seat,
•informing him that because he didn't listen he will have to endure "the MEANEST thing" after school today
•witnessing the most elaborate showing of tantrum scream-cries while exiting a car by your three year old to date,
•waiting for deeply agitated preschooler to put his shoes on "all by himself", cause Lord knows you're not going there right now
•still waiting for your child to finish putting on shoes at the pace of a mostly-dead sloth
•feeling crappy about having to enforce "the MEANEST thing" but realizing that practicing "warning without enforcing" leads to advanced asshole-ism, which is bad,
•pushing cranky twins down the very long walkway into school while still loudly tantruming preschooler trails behind,
•shrugging, smiling and laughing at other moms who give you sympathy stares,
•FINALLY reaching classroom destination inside of building where you ask your preschooler to explain to awesome teacher why he's crying
78. Listen to awesome teacher back you up and reply with beautiful response about God's grace.
79. Thank her, hug your little man and tell him you love him, and walk away with grateful tears in your eyes.
BOOM.
Welcome to your life.
Smile, and understand with a strange confidence that beyond a shadow of a doubt, you wouldn't change one crazy, motherloving moment of this wild ride that you're on called motherhood.
Because even though you happen to relive a different, but similar version of this insanity on a DAILY basis, it's beautiful because it's yours, and you rock at it.
And even when you don't feel that way, you know that you can always ask and receive His unending and mind-blowing grace to assist you.
And thank God for that.
But also, thank caffeine.
Cause that bitch is important.
MOMMIN AIN'T EASY.
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK♣️
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK♣️
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Cheers to you, brilliant friends!!🍷
Or in other words....SHARE!!!😘
Cheers to you, brilliant friends!!🍷
