I'll admit it.
Just a few short years ago, I frequently imagined early parenthood to be this beautifully complex conglomeration of teachable moments, studded with innocent giggles, and affectionate evenings spent curled up next to my sweet babies.
I pictured myself being able to effectively tackle each unfamiliar rising challenge with a touch of my thirty-something wisdom, adequately gracious, and just clear enough in the moment to be articulate.
I'd be authentically patient, and brimming with the astonishing amounts of mental energy that it takes to keep up with the countless questions, and daily antics that little people bring.
And then one day, something incredibly eye opening and uniquely bizarre happened.
I gave birth to an actual human child, on THIS planet.
Fast forward three and a half years, and it appears that my wisest and most current interpretation of what parenting in the moment is, can best described as:
"Hands OFF YOUR PENIS!!!!"
"I said get DOWN!! No No NOOO!!! WTF Did you just lick his BUTT?!?!"
Right.
So... apparently, my induction into parenting could also be sufficiently summed up as: "Hello, I'm having a challenging day with my small flock of children, and an unfortunate bout of Tourette's Syndrome, how are you?!"
Just a few short years ago, I frequently imagined early parenthood to be this beautifully complex conglomeration of teachable moments, studded with innocent giggles, and affectionate evenings spent curled up next to my sweet babies.
I pictured myself being able to effectively tackle each unfamiliar rising challenge with a touch of my thirty-something wisdom, adequately gracious, and just clear enough in the moment to be articulate.
I'd be authentically patient, and brimming with the astonishing amounts of mental energy that it takes to keep up with the countless questions, and daily antics that little people bring.
And then one day, something incredibly eye opening and uniquely bizarre happened.
I gave birth to an actual human child, on THIS planet.
Fast forward three and a half years, and it appears that my wisest and most current interpretation of what parenting in the moment is, can best described as:
"Hands OFF YOUR PENIS!!!!"
"I said get DOWN!! No No NOOO!!! WTF Did you just lick his BUTT?!?!"
Right.
So... apparently, my induction into parenting could also be sufficiently summed up as: "Hello, I'm having a challenging day with my small flock of children, and an unfortunate bout of Tourette's Syndrome, how are you?!"
While my love for my children is constant, and my days certainly CAN be filled with some of those wonderful things mentioned above SOME of the time, it most definitely is NOT EVER all of those things, all of the time.
At least it hasn't eventualized that way for me yet. My oldest is only three, and I'm currently still in the "survival mode" of parenting, so I'm fairly certain there are many wise, and well spoken teachable moments to come as my children grow.
At least I hope.
But let's face it, if we're being truthful here, no matter what our kids ages, parenting is really just 51% steadfast love, 17% frustration & pure lies, 27% "STOP!!!!", 13% staring at your phone while hollering "IN A MINUTE!", 28% squeezing the entirety of adulthood into the two hours after your kids go to bed, and 14% wondering "Why the f#ck is this wet?"
Among others.
(and yes I've traded several of my skills, one being addition, in for children)
But by others, I mean the strange commands that promptly fly from your mouth and into the air all day long, hoping that they'll reach your little people's ears and produce the requested outcome, though that usually isn't the case.
Just an endless slew of direct and ridiculous one-liners that make you stop and think... "That was a weird sentence....did I just say that?"
Still not sure of what I'm talking about?
Allow me to enlighten you, because my guess is that you'll quickly identify with many of these, especially if you have any bo...... What the shit?
What smells like CHEESE??
*ahem*
Sorry.
Pretty sure I do have Tourette's.
What I meant to say was, let's get started.
At least it hasn't eventualized that way for me yet. My oldest is only three, and I'm currently still in the "survival mode" of parenting, so I'm fairly certain there are many wise, and well spoken teachable moments to come as my children grow.
At least I hope.
But let's face it, if we're being truthful here, no matter what our kids ages, parenting is really just 51% steadfast love, 17% frustration & pure lies, 27% "STOP!!!!", 13% staring at your phone while hollering "IN A MINUTE!", 28% squeezing the entirety of adulthood into the two hours after your kids go to bed, and 14% wondering "Why the f#ck is this wet?"
Among others.
(and yes I've traded several of my skills, one being addition, in for children)
But by others, I mean the strange commands that promptly fly from your mouth and into the air all day long, hoping that they'll reach your little people's ears and produce the requested outcome, though that usually isn't the case.
Just an endless slew of direct and ridiculous one-liners that make you stop and think... "That was a weird sentence....did I just say that?"
Still not sure of what I'm talking about?
Allow me to enlighten you, because my guess is that you'll quickly identify with many of these, especially if you have any bo...... What the shit?
What smells like CHEESE??
*ahem*
Sorry.
Pretty sure I do have Tourette's.
What I meant to say was, let's get started.
weird Sentences I've said to my children:
To my 3 year old:
"Did you just lick my shin?"
"Please keep the granola bar in your hand and mouth, and off your penis."
"That's right, we don't keep boogers on our brothers' legs."
"It's not ok for you to say "It smells like a dog's ass in here", though you do make a great a point, and the fact that you used it in context makes me proud."
"Oh here's the rest of your lunch, It was just in the bottom of the toy basket in the den."
"Yes, God gave all mommies vaginas, and no daddy's don't have to pay for them." (Yes... my three year old actually said that!)
"Awe, I love you in the whole world and a Target Starbucks too buddy!"
"Hey, remember that time you swallowed a nickel?"
"Please don't grab Mommy's nipples in public."
"Why did you strategically place my car keys underneath the trash bag at the bottom of the trash can??"
"Yes, I know play doh pizza tastes awful, remember? We both tried it last week."
"It's not polite to ask random people if they've pooped in their shoes."
"No, we're not sending your brothers to bug heaven, they're here to stay."
"Yes, but you have to grab the toilet paper first....then wipe."
"No the sky isn't awake, it's lying. Go back to bed."
"I'm sorry, they don't sell replacement batteries for that toy."
"Please keep the granola bar in your hand and mouth, and off your penis."
"That's right, we don't keep boogers on our brothers' legs."
"It's not ok for you to say "It smells like a dog's ass in here", though you do make a great a point, and the fact that you used it in context makes me proud."
"Oh here's the rest of your lunch, It was just in the bottom of the toy basket in the den."
"Yes, God gave all mommies vaginas, and no daddy's don't have to pay for them." (Yes... my three year old actually said that!)
"Awe, I love you in the whole world and a Target Starbucks too buddy!"
"Hey, remember that time you swallowed a nickel?"
"Please don't grab Mommy's nipples in public."
"Why did you strategically place my car keys underneath the trash bag at the bottom of the trash can??"
"Yes, I know play doh pizza tastes awful, remember? We both tried it last week."
"It's not polite to ask random people if they've pooped in their shoes."
"No, we're not sending your brothers to bug heaven, they're here to stay."
"Yes, but you have to grab the toilet paper first....then wipe."
"No the sky isn't awake, it's lying. Go back to bed."
"I'm sorry, they don't sell replacement batteries for that toy."
to my 15 month old twins:
"No, we don't suck on petrified cheese from under the couch."
"Ack! No, it's attached!! You can't pull that hard on your brothers penis!"
"Stop please. It hurts when you hit me in the face with a sword."
"Stop biting his buttcheek."
"Arrhhhgg!!! NOOO!!! We don't take off our brothers crap diaper and backpack it around the room."
"I can assure you buddy, face planting into the corner of that wall will hurt every single time you do it."
"Play with your own penis, not your brothers."
"Are you eating one of Mommy's Larabars? Oh fantastic, nope that's just one of your brothers turds."
"Ack! No, it's attached!! You can't pull that hard on your brothers penis!"
"Stop please. It hurts when you hit me in the face with a sword."
"Stop biting his buttcheek."
"Arrhhhgg!!! NOOO!!! We don't take off our brothers crap diaper and backpack it around the room."
"I can assure you buddy, face planting into the corner of that wall will hurt every single time you do it."
"Play with your own penis, not your brothers."
"Are you eating one of Mommy's Larabars? Oh fantastic, nope that's just one of your brothers turds."
sentences that my pre-kids self would find Disturbing:
"Yessss. They let me sleep in until 7:03 today."
"How long until summer break is over?"
"I feel awesome, I got a full 4 hours of sleep last night."
"Is 9:00 pm too late for espresso shots?"
"Is 11:00 am too early for Riesling shots??"
"What is this, chocolate? Nope. Definitely shit."
"Motherf*cking Caillou."
"Oh yay! The newest episode of Peppa The Pig is on!"
"My right hand constantly smells of turd."
"I love my C-section scar."
"These yoga pants feel just as awesome today as they did yesterday, and the day before."
"I ate ghost pepper potato chips for breakfast again this afternoon."
"I haven't sat down to eat an actual meal in 6 days."
"Please watch the kids while I go to the grocery store, I need a break."
"Going from one boy to three feels like I've gone from having a hobby, to directing a f#cking three ring circus whom I can't stop taking pictures of."
"You know... I would, but I changed the twins crib sheets this morning, and then loaded three whirling dervishes in and out of the car to go grocery shopping, so going to the gym is a no from me. But maybe try asking again in 2027. I'll probably be all over that sh*t."
weird sentences i've said to my husband:
"I know the babies are 9 months already, but don't you think these maternity pants still look cute on me?"
"I just simultaneously latched both babies to both nipples!"
"It's Friday! What do you want to do this weekend, stay in and clean, or take turns napping?"
"When will you be home? I've been waiting all week to see you so that I can get the hell out of here."
"My nipples are bleeding again, wanna see?"
"I just had the best time in the lamp section at the craft store."
"No, it actually went well, they only tag teamed me for 3 hours last night."
"How can you be mad that I spent $100 dollars on a eucalyptus wreath??"
"It's 8:45 and you want to start a movie now?!"
"Why don't we just dump this entire basket of singing toys into the recycling bin outside. Or we could even just take turns murdering them."
"I've been calling this baby by the wrong name for an hour."
"Hey, check this out, I can fit my entire fist into the space between my abs."
"I'm almost too tired to finish this second glass of wine."
"There's milk mold growing inside the suburban again."
"Yes, I know that I take an excessive amount of pictures of our children, but unless I take pictures of myself accomplishing absolutely nothing, then there's nothing else to photograph around here."
"I just simultaneously latched both babies to both nipples!"
"It's Friday! What do you want to do this weekend, stay in and clean, or take turns napping?"
"When will you be home? I've been waiting all week to see you so that I can get the hell out of here."
"My nipples are bleeding again, wanna see?"
"I just had the best time in the lamp section at the craft store."
"No, it actually went well, they only tag teamed me for 3 hours last night."
"How can you be mad that I spent $100 dollars on a eucalyptus wreath??"
"It's 8:45 and you want to start a movie now?!"
"Why don't we just dump this entire basket of singing toys into the recycling bin outside. Or we could even just take turns murdering them."
"I've been calling this baby by the wrong name for an hour."
"Hey, check this out, I can fit my entire fist into the space between my abs."
"I'm almost too tired to finish this second glass of wine."
"There's milk mold growing inside the suburban again."
"Yes, I know that I take an excessive amount of pictures of our children, but unless I take pictures of myself accomplishing absolutely nothing, then there's nothing else to photograph around here."
My husband to me:
"How long do you think it'll be until this room doesn't smell like a cooked cat turd?"
"Why is this house a neverending black hole for MY, and only MY possessions?!"
"Which baby am I holding?"
"Did you just pull my truck keys out of the baby's pajama drawer?"
"No, I actually do like your athletic wear outfit again today."
"Wow, did y'all clean in here? I can almost see the floor."
"Hey....whichever baby that is just puked into the crevice of the couch, and now the other baby is feeding it back to him."
"Why is this house a neverending black hole for MY, and only MY possessions?!"
"Which baby am I holding?"
"Did you just pull my truck keys out of the baby's pajama drawer?"
"No, I actually do like your athletic wear outfit again today."
"Wow, did y'all clean in here? I can almost see the floor."
"Hey....whichever baby that is just puked into the crevice of the couch, and now the other baby is feeding it back to him."
to my parents:
"Thank you."
"You were right."
"I get it now."
"I'm sorry for everything."
"Please come over because I NEED YOUR HELP!!!"
"You were right."
"I get it now."
"I'm sorry for everything."
"Please come over because I NEED YOUR HELP!!!"
Mommin ain't easy
you're doing better than you think♣️
Enjoy this?
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Like wine?
Then click the like and share buttons and you'll instantly win yourself a glass. (And if for some strange reason that doesn't work, then please pour one for yourself while I continue to work on this.)
Youll continue to find yourself strangely relating and feeling like a better parent as you read these articles:
The 6 Asinine Parenting Judgements That My Pre-Kids Self Made And Why I Want To Punch Her In The Vagina
Identical Twins Share Their Secret Online Diary: 10th Month Edition
Dear Preschooler: Please Crap Your Pants And Lose Your Shoe, It's Time To Leave The House
3 Unfortunate Subjects That You'll Become An Expert In Once You Have Children
Motherhood: The Moments Are Hard But The Memories Are Easy
