By Macgill Frutchey
Yes, I just announced that I would like to punch my younger self in the vag.
Why?
Um, Idk...
maybe because that's about as ridiculous a thing to do as it was for me to make the following 6 judgments before I'd had kids of my own.
Any of these ring a bell?
Why?
Um, Idk...
maybe because that's about as ridiculous a thing to do as it was for me to make the following 6 judgments before I'd had kids of my own.
Any of these ring a bell?
Pre-kid Judgement # 1:
Toddlers that behave like assholes are the result of bad parenting.
Toddlers that behave like assholes are the result of bad parenting.
Post-kid Reality:
Hahahaha no.
As it turns out, toddlers are just assholes.
Of course not in the sense that we'd call an adult an asshole, no, but more of a lovable and involuntary one, if I may.
Any person who holds the relentless desire to follow me into the bathroom every time that I need to urinate, for the sole purpose of standing 3 inches away from my face while repeatedly whining my name, but who swiftly runs from me every time I try to help them do relevant things, like put on pants, is by definition, an asshole.
Or anyone who delights in removing 103 miscellaneous items from my kitchen cabinets each and every morning, expertly littering the entire floor, but appears to be either a deaf mute, or only capable of yelling the word "NO!!!" when asked to help clean them up after, is an asshole.
And an adorable one at that, whom I love more than words can express, but still an a-hole, nonetheless.
Need I go on?
Regardless of whether you allow them to act that way or not, all toddlers have the irritating ability to get under your skin, be that twice an hour, or twice a minute.
The important thing, however, is that you address any rude or disrespectful behavior, and follow through with whatever parenting tactic you use.
Every. Single. Effing. Time.
Because if not, then you're essentially just training your regular asshole to become a bigger and better asshole.
And that's not necessary.
No one needs an advanced, pantless asshole running around their house.
Because that sounds scary AF.
Pre-kid Judgement # 2:
Parents are always blaming their toddler's temper tantrums on them being too "tired". To me, it just sounds like a cop out.
Parents are always blaming their toddler's temper tantrums on them being too "tired". To me, it just sounds like a cop out.
Post-kid Reality:
Riiiiighttt.
Would you like to know how many toddlers are going to have a temper tantrum today because they're "only tired"?
Yeah, so I'm gonna go with all of them.
You see, while using the phrase "she's so tired" may seem like a cop out, in reality, seasoned parents of toddlers just have a more evolved response than you can grasp, my dear.
They understand with full certainty, that if their child's perfect sleep quota hasn't been met, (which is ridiculously easy to happens btw) and they mistakingly brought the Frozen sippy cup to the store when the child in question had clearly asked for the Dora one upon leaving the house, then they've reached the embarrassing point of no return.
No amount of disciplinary wisdom, bullshit promises, or timeouts will bail you out of this one. You might as well just press on with your spirited little shopping trip and find the f*cking fruit snack isle, because this missed her nap, sippy-cup-shitstorm of a tantrum will go for gold, unless you do some damage control.
And while you're finding things, go ahead and find the wine section.
You'll likely thank yourself later as you spend a solid 33 minutes enjoying it, just before passing out from toddler induced exhaustion.
Pre-kid Judgement # 3:
Parents that take the attachment parenting approach are part of the overachieving, helicopter parent predicament that is contributing to the wussification of America today.
Parents that take the attachment parenting approach are part of the overachieving, helicopter parent predicament that is contributing to the wussification of America today.
Post-kid Reality:
Wow.
Bitch please, I'd be willing to bet a REM cycle that the reason at least 70% of parents who adopt the AP lifestyle is because they are inherently half-crunchy, laid back, procrastinating masters like yourself.
It's conceivable that they simply enjoy being close to their baby, while straying a little from the cried-out, beaten path, hmm?
At the forefront of AP parenting, you'll find the honorable trifecta of co-sleeping, baby wearing, and breastfeeding. While none of these actions are easily done, they're all certainly not performed by any kind of overachieving or helicoptering type of parent.
On the contrary, these actions not only lead to raising a more compassionate and independent child, but they also grant you with the convenience of becoming a bed sharing, human pacifier. Which, if you're into that sort of thing, will splendidly result in more snuggles and sleep with less effort on your part.
Fortuitous win.
And although it's not the mainstream way to go, don't knock it until you try it, you know what I'm saying?
Crunch on, my baby wearing friends.
Wow.
Bitch please, I'd be willing to bet a REM cycle that the reason at least 70% of parents who adopt the AP lifestyle is because they are inherently half-crunchy, laid back, procrastinating masters like yourself.
It's conceivable that they simply enjoy being close to their baby, while straying a little from the cried-out, beaten path, hmm?
At the forefront of AP parenting, you'll find the honorable trifecta of co-sleeping, baby wearing, and breastfeeding. While none of these actions are easily done, they're all certainly not performed by any kind of overachieving or helicoptering type of parent.
On the contrary, these actions not only lead to raising a more compassionate and independent child, but they also grant you with the convenience of becoming a bed sharing, human pacifier. Which, if you're into that sort of thing, will splendidly result in more snuggles and sleep with less effort on your part.
Fortuitous win.
And although it's not the mainstream way to go, don't knock it until you try it, you know what I'm saying?
Crunch on, my baby wearing friends.
Pre-kid Judgement # 4:
The parents that allow their babies to "cry-it-out" are most likely wanton sociopaths.
The parents that allow their babies to "cry-it-out" are most likely wanton sociopaths.
Post-kid Reality:
Unquestionably, the parents that allow their babies to "cry-it-out", are either at their wits end in frustration, in desperate need of having good sleepers (because hey, it freaking works) or are just plain old fucking tired.
The end.
Babies are hard, and a great deal of that hardness can stem from the fact that a few select babies have zero desire to sleep.
Ever.
And since those babies are given to parents who also happen to require sleep to survive, said parents will likely choose "cry-it-out" as a last resort, before they bitterly go insane from sleep withdrawals.
Not because they enjoy hearing their babies cry, because that's as unhuman as f*ck.
And please, if you've just completed any amount of sleep training, go ahead and give yourself a valiant pat on the back, brave one, cause you've earned it.
After what seems like an eternity in hell, (i.e. 5 - 10 heartbreaking, scream filled nights), you'll likely have taught your little babe the advantageous skill of how to lull themselves into a long and restful night's sleep. And now, so can you.
Can't beat that with a pillow.
Pre-kid Judgement # 5:
When I'm a parent, I will strictly limit their screen time. I'll see to it instead, that they enjoy reading and putting together puzzles most of the day.
When I'm a parent, I will strictly limit their screen time. I'll see to it instead, that they enjoy reading and putting together puzzles most of the day.
Post-kid Reality:
LMAO Let's see... when in use, I'd say that about 85% of the function of my television, tablet and/or phone is for the repetitive Paw Patrol showing, sanity saving, and babysitting related purposes that they serve.
It's a noble aspiration, truly it is, but a fraudulent one. That is, unless you're one of those rare, sincere rule following mom phenomenons, in which case I applaud you, but we probably shouldn't be friends.
How else are you supposed to successfully nurse twins when you have a spirited two-nager running around who is only occupied by a book for three minutes? You guessed it, Peppa the Pig for the eighteenth showing.. a cheeky win!!
When in the throes of infantdom and toddler nation, you'll likely think of your DVR and smart-phone as your very own pair of sanity saving smart-heroes. And hopefully without a side of guilt.
Kind of a no brainer.
Pre-kid Judgement # 6:
Families that "co-sleep" or "bed share" are a bizarre anomaly that weird me out. Kids should sleep in their own rooms, and in their own beds.
Families that "co-sleep" or "bed share" are a bizarre anomaly that weird me out. Kids should sleep in their own rooms, and in their own beds.
Post-kid Reality :
Oh my dear, sweet, naive friend; you're most likely just confused.
I'm sure the unfamiliarity of a bed sharing family brings up all kinds of strange, hippie like images of a mother and father fashioning patchouli quinoa crunch soap together with their two children Quest and Rebel, while passing around the peace pipe before they hit the sack together in their communal bed, but shockingly, that's not always the case.
Unless they already have an interest in attachment parenting, it is highly likely that the families that do "co sleep" together, didn't begin their parenting journey with that in mind.
Rather, they just hit a wall of zombie brilliance, and have embraced their inner slack-ass.
You see, co sleeping is a fantastic arrangement for those that are..
um, what's the word?
Oh right.
Tired motherfuckers.
See, there are two sides to this middle-of-the-night coin.
We have the "cry it out" or "let 'em scream until they learn to sleep" team, and we have the "non crying" or "I'd rather shove the ass-end of my baby back up my snatch, than listen to her scream" team.
I get it, I've had success from both sides, depending on which child it was that woke up in the middle of the night.
And I'm only talking about when they're babies.
But the point is, those with babies that find themselves on the non crying team, only have a few options open to them to help the little chap get back to sleep at 3am.
You know, all the soothing things, like pacing, rocking, shushing, swearing.. basically everything that doesn't allow you to go right back to bed.
But can you guess what does allow that?
It's a very complicated concept, so do your best to follow me here.
Imagine it, you roll your tired ass out of bed, you mosey on over to wherever your crying child is located, gather them up into your arms, try not to bump into the wall, walk however far it is back over to your bed with your now uncrying child, and go the f*ck back to sleep.
Genius. And not weird.
Oh my dear, sweet, naive friend; you're most likely just confused.
I'm sure the unfamiliarity of a bed sharing family brings up all kinds of strange, hippie like images of a mother and father fashioning patchouli quinoa crunch soap together with their two children Quest and Rebel, while passing around the peace pipe before they hit the sack together in their communal bed, but shockingly, that's not always the case.
Unless they already have an interest in attachment parenting, it is highly likely that the families that do "co sleep" together, didn't begin their parenting journey with that in mind.
Rather, they just hit a wall of zombie brilliance, and have embraced their inner slack-ass.
You see, co sleeping is a fantastic arrangement for those that are..
um, what's the word?
Oh right.
Tired motherfuckers.
See, there are two sides to this middle-of-the-night coin.
We have the "cry it out" or "let 'em scream until they learn to sleep" team, and we have the "non crying" or "I'd rather shove the ass-end of my baby back up my snatch, than listen to her scream" team.
I get it, I've had success from both sides, depending on which child it was that woke up in the middle of the night.
And I'm only talking about when they're babies.
But the point is, those with babies that find themselves on the non crying team, only have a few options open to them to help the little chap get back to sleep at 3am.
You know, all the soothing things, like pacing, rocking, shushing, swearing.. basically everything that doesn't allow you to go right back to bed.
But can you guess what does allow that?
It's a very complicated concept, so do your best to follow me here.
Imagine it, you roll your tired ass out of bed, you mosey on over to wherever your crying child is located, gather them up into your arms, try not to bump into the wall, walk however far it is back over to your bed with your now uncrying child, and go the f*ck back to sleep.
Genius. And not weird.
Also, congrats.
Because you've just won yourself 17 complimentary years of urine scented, face kicking, tropical half-sleep.
Cherish every fidgety moment.
MOMMIN' AIN'T EASY
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK♣️
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK♣️
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NAH-masté.
NAH-masté.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. - psalm 73:23
