By Macgill Frutchey
Does your preschool aged child have "selective" hearing sometimes?
Wow... my fingers had a hard time even typing such a ludicrous question.
To say that my 3 year old, or any other that I've ever known for that matter, can have selective hearing at times, would be incredibly generous.
Most days, I believe the more pertinent wording is "disregard every meaningless word that I just said, and do whatever the %*$& you want" hearing.
It simply must be too boring for our little ones to follow our directions the first time they are given. Likely they're thinking, "Why should I do what mommy says right now, when running away and watching her chase me is infinitely more fun?"
Whatever the cause, one thing remains when it comes to preschool aged children: Whatever we are laying down, they are only half-assed picking up.
If you happen to have a preschool aged child, then chances are, you have daily experience with some of the following predicaments, where your thoughts and theirs, don't even begin to match up.
Wow... my fingers had a hard time even typing such a ludicrous question.
To say that my 3 year old, or any other that I've ever known for that matter, can have selective hearing at times, would be incredibly generous.
Most days, I believe the more pertinent wording is "disregard every meaningless word that I just said, and do whatever the %*$& you want" hearing.
It simply must be too boring for our little ones to follow our directions the first time they are given. Likely they're thinking, "Why should I do what mommy says right now, when running away and watching her chase me is infinitely more fun?"
Whatever the cause, one thing remains when it comes to preschool aged children: Whatever we are laying down, they are only half-assed picking up.
If you happen to have a preschool aged child, then chances are, you have daily experience with some of the following predicaments, where your thoughts and theirs, don't even begin to match up.
WHAT You SAY VS.
WHAT Your PRESCHOOLER HEARs:
1.What You Say:
Please put on your shirt and grab your bag, we need to leave for school.
Please put on your shirt and grab your bag, we need to leave for school.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Take off your pants and remove your diaper. Find one large box of cinnamon harvest cereal and tear it open as though you were raised by wolves, then sprint through the den attempting a yodeling yurchenko.
2.What You Say:
Hurry up and find your shoes, we have to leave here in 5 minutes.
Hurry up and find your shoes, we have to leave here in 5 minutes.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Go find an old toy car that you've never shown interest in until this very moment. Decide that it's the most fantastic treasure you've ever discovered, and meticulously remove all 9 of the decorative stickers that adorn it.
Place 3 of them on the couch, 2 on your shirt, eat one, and stick the last 3 onto one of your twin brothers' legs.
$#*t yourself.
3. What You Say:
It's time to leave the playground now, please climb down so we can go home.
It's time to leave the playground now, please climb down so we can go home.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Channel a stupid Scarlet Ohara.
Hysterically throw yourself to the ground, and perform the most dramatic display of miserable commotion that I've ever seen.
Compose a brand new deafening, snort-scream-cry rebuttal directly in front of the bench where the Pinterest perfect moms with the well behaved children are sitting, and effectively alert CPS by earshot.
4. What You Say:
Hey buddy, this is an old friend of mine from school, can you say hi?
Hey buddy, this is an old friend of mine from school, can you say hi?
4. What Your Preschooler Hears:
Completely change your personality to mirror that of a slightly deaf introvert, and hide your face in my crotch for a weird amount of time.
Peak up with one eye and vacantly stare at my friend as though you've gone emotionally out to lunch for 7 seconds, then shoot me a breezy smile.
Ask me for a clementine.
5. What You Say:
We need to be quiet in this building, so please use your inside voice, okay?
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Announce five octaves louder than the muted background chatter, that you have a penis, and that I in fact, have a vagina.
6. What You Say:
It's time for your nap.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Disappear.
Find several chocolate covered cake-like cookies that were strategically hidden in the pantry, and stuff them into your pockets. Crawl underneath the kitchen table, sit indian style, and quietly locate your treats.
Decorate the floor with the evidence, then devotedly shove the rest into your mouth.
When I find you, drool chocolate syrup as you attempt to smile at me.
7. What You Say:
Its dinner time.
Its dinner time.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
You're punished.
Fun as you know it, can no longer be had. Make your way to the table of ruin, and eat mean things from this plate of indifference.
8. What You Say:
I'm talking to another adult right now sweetie, please be quiet for a few minutes.
I'm talking to another adult right now sweetie, please be quiet for a few minutes.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Search deep down for the utmost annoying traits of your personality, focusing on your best caillou whine, and deliver a five star performance.
Now dial it up 2 more notches for good measure.
Punch me in the ass.
9. What You Say:
It's clean up time! Please go pick up the toys on the floor in your room, and put them in your toy box.
It's clean up time! Please go pick up the toys on the floor in your room, and put them in your toy box.
What Your Preschooler Hears:
Escape to the guest room and tear open the closet.
Collect as many articles of dress up apparel that you can gather, and haphazardly put them on.
Leave a trail of decorative crap down the hallway, then parade down the stairs dressed like princess batman of Arendelle, the rhinestone asshole warrior cowboy.
Escape to the guest room and tear open the closet.
Collect as many articles of dress up apparel that you can gather, and haphazardly put them on.
Leave a trail of decorative crap down the hallway, then parade down the stairs dressed like princess batman of Arendelle, the rhinestone asshole warrior cowboy.
10. What You Say:
Do you want to read a book?
Do you want to read a book?
10. What Your Preschooler Hears:
I love you.
Come sit on my lap, strum my heartstrings, and smell like my three year old baby.
I'm sorry...
What was the question?
Mommin' ain't easy.
you're dOing better than you think♣️
If at any point while reading this, you found yourself feeling cheerful, unproductive, or capable of reading this, then do tap yourself on the back.
Also, consider tapping the like or share button, and/or dat-ass, as this will effectively fill both of our days with more tapping and sharing, thereby contributing to the delightful unproductivity of others🍷
Also, consider tapping the like or share button, and/or dat-ass, as this will effectively fill both of our days with more tapping and sharing, thereby contributing to the delightful unproductivity of others🍷
MOM MACGYVERING
🤘🏻IS THE NEW BLACK🤘🏻
🤘🏻IS THE NEW BLACK🤘🏻
