Sigh.
Alright people, this thing needs some scrutiny, so lets mull it over for a minute, yes?
Raise your hand if you are pro-breastfeeding.
Wow, look at that, so many of you. Congratulations! That's fantastic.
And now please raise, or keep your hand up, if you also believe that formula happens to be an excellent source of poison, disappointment, and lies.
Man, would you look at that, still quite a few of with your hands up.
Job well done ladies.
No really, I'm serious.
Being able to comprehend that "Breast is Best" while also managing to be a judgmental, shame throwing, twit sounds exhausting, so give yourself a pat on the tits, you've earned it.
And now shut the F**K up.
Truth be told, I'm only talking to a select few of you, but the few of you ass hat wearers know who you are.
Except that...you don't.
You have no freakin clue, actually, that you have an ass-shaped hat, resting atop your mom-shaming noggin, and I'd like to take this friendly opportunity to point it out to you.
Why don't we begin by giving a brief description of what these ass-hat wearing, shame throwing moms might look like?
You know, Just for fun.
Like hypothetically...
because i've DEFINITELY never met, or HAD similar thoughts to any of these types of moms, at ANY point in my life.
*clears throat and invisibly elbows the unsarcastic dolt reading this post*
The four moms mentioned below are unquestionably sporting an ass hat, can you relate?
1. The Friendly Gossip
She's the conveniently unaware, sweet, but self-righteous mom, who means well, but still goes around gossiping to her other hooter-juicing friends about "that mom" she knows who "not only feeds her baby formula, but actually uses the cheap, generic kind!" or who, (GASP!) "didn't want to breastfeed at all, not even AT THE HOSPITAL." "Doesn't she know that breast is best?!" she's been known to say sometimes.
She's sneaky, that one, and just a tad judgy. Actually, I used to relate with her, and that's unfortunate. Which brings me to the next inconvenient, judgy twit:
2. Miss Proud But Oblivious
She's the self-important mom, who's going on month 67 of exclusively nursing her sweet little chunky monkey, and she just couldn't FATHOM another mother who doesn't, or didn't want to do the same with their precious angel.
It doesn't make sense to her lactating brain, and why would it, when it's been so easy for her?
She's not aware that for so many, it's the freaking hardest part of caring for a new baby, and has no idea that before the mom down the street finally gave up on breastfeeding, it took her FOUR SOLID excruciating weeks of cracked-out bloody nipples, and tears of despair, just to get the baby to latch ONCE a day.
Just once.
But how would she know that?
She never asked her how she was doing, and when she mentioned to her that she was struggling that one day when they bumped into each other, instead of offering her some advice, and a helping hand, she just went on and on about how naturally it came for her, and that "it gets SO much better!!"
But she never thought twice about it, cause hey, that's not her style.
Which is too bad, because she actually knows her shit when it comes to the latch, the football, and the cradle holds, but whatever.
Or possibly you can relate to mom #3, who loves to go ALL OUT with her silent judgements, but never thinks to actually make conversation with the mom sitting nearby to find out her real story.
She could also be known as:
3. The Public Nursing Know It All
She's the slightly crunchy, but secretly critical mom, who comfortably nurses in public, sans cover, and casually assumes that the mom who's sitting nearby giving her infant a pre made bottle of formula, is simply too ignorant, lazy, or misinformed to nurse.
But what she doesn't know, is that the mother in question already has 2 other children to care for at home, and she gave it a steady 5 weeks before she realized she had PPD and needed to get on some meds, resulting in her making the safer choice for her, AND her baby, by choosing NOT to breastfeed.
I wonder if she ever considered that?
I guess Its possible, but the fact that she's been placed on this weird, formula shade throwing list, makes it seem slim to none.
Which brings me to the next formula shamer, who's similar to #3 but probably deserves a category all her own, as she happens to be THE WORST.
4. The Informed Bitch
She's the harsh and opinionated mom, who can quote every IQ raising, immunity boosting, breastmilk slaying fact, while also simultaneously (and proudly) stating that giving a baby formula is essentially the same thing as letting them suck down an arsenic smoothie.
She's a skilled critizen.
Her extensive google research has led her to believe that the mother who chooses against breastfeeding, for no apparent reason at all, is the devil herself who deserves weekly visits from CPS.
Actually, the fact that some moms simply choose not to breastfeed because they "just don't want to" drives her up the wall, because she believes that they're making a selfish, and devastatingly dangerous decision for the health of their child.
And I think that covers them, in a nut shell.
But before you go dismissing this post, and my sudden rantish endeavors here by clicking back into the cozier inter webs, please hear me out for two more seconds, cause I'll be to the point, I promise.
She's the conveniently unaware, sweet, but self-righteous mom, who means well, but still goes around gossiping to her other hooter-juicing friends about "that mom" she knows who "not only feeds her baby formula, but actually uses the cheap, generic kind!" or who, (GASP!) "didn't want to breastfeed at all, not even AT THE HOSPITAL." "Doesn't she know that breast is best?!" she's been known to say sometimes.
She's sneaky, that one, and just a tad judgy. Actually, I used to relate with her, and that's unfortunate. Which brings me to the next inconvenient, judgy twit:
2. Miss Proud But Oblivious
She's the self-important mom, who's going on month 67 of exclusively nursing her sweet little chunky monkey, and she just couldn't FATHOM another mother who doesn't, or didn't want to do the same with their precious angel.
It doesn't make sense to her lactating brain, and why would it, when it's been so easy for her?
She's not aware that for so many, it's the freaking hardest part of caring for a new baby, and has no idea that before the mom down the street finally gave up on breastfeeding, it took her FOUR SOLID excruciating weeks of cracked-out bloody nipples, and tears of despair, just to get the baby to latch ONCE a day.
Just once.
But how would she know that?
She never asked her how she was doing, and when she mentioned to her that she was struggling that one day when they bumped into each other, instead of offering her some advice, and a helping hand, she just went on and on about how naturally it came for her, and that "it gets SO much better!!"
But she never thought twice about it, cause hey, that's not her style.
Which is too bad, because she actually knows her shit when it comes to the latch, the football, and the cradle holds, but whatever.
Or possibly you can relate to mom #3, who loves to go ALL OUT with her silent judgements, but never thinks to actually make conversation with the mom sitting nearby to find out her real story.
She could also be known as:
3. The Public Nursing Know It All
She's the slightly crunchy, but secretly critical mom, who comfortably nurses in public, sans cover, and casually assumes that the mom who's sitting nearby giving her infant a pre made bottle of formula, is simply too ignorant, lazy, or misinformed to nurse.
But what she doesn't know, is that the mother in question already has 2 other children to care for at home, and she gave it a steady 5 weeks before she realized she had PPD and needed to get on some meds, resulting in her making the safer choice for her, AND her baby, by choosing NOT to breastfeed.
I wonder if she ever considered that?
I guess Its possible, but the fact that she's been placed on this weird, formula shade throwing list, makes it seem slim to none.
Which brings me to the next formula shamer, who's similar to #3 but probably deserves a category all her own, as she happens to be THE WORST.
4. The Informed Bitch
She's the harsh and opinionated mom, who can quote every IQ raising, immunity boosting, breastmilk slaying fact, while also simultaneously (and proudly) stating that giving a baby formula is essentially the same thing as letting them suck down an arsenic smoothie.
She's a skilled critizen.
Her extensive google research has led her to believe that the mother who chooses against breastfeeding, for no apparent reason at all, is the devil herself who deserves weekly visits from CPS.
Actually, the fact that some moms simply choose not to breastfeed because they "just don't want to" drives her up the wall, because she believes that they're making a selfish, and devastatingly dangerous decision for the health of their child.
And I think that covers them, in a nut shell.
But before you go dismissing this post, and my sudden rantish endeavors here by clicking back into the cozier inter webs, please hear me out for two more seconds, cause I'll be to the point, I promise.
Right, so It's 2016.
If a mom living in today's first-world has not yet heard that "Breast is BEST", and never once considered if breastfeeding was, or was not, the right choice for her and her baby when it got down to brass tax, then she might also be a Sea Cucumber.
Or some other amazing creature than can survive without a cerebrum.
Listen, It's no secret that lactating jugs are where it's at, because we are told by EVERY OTHER well-meaning breastfeeding expert (i.e. friends and family members that have google access), that as soon as we push a baby out of our nethers, we are to latch them to our bosom, and continue to nurse until they are 337 weeks old, otherwise they'll most likely end up with the IQ of a brilliant mosquito.
I'm well aware that it's tit-tastically phenomenal and hooterrific to breastfeed, and that we should ALL strive to nurse each, and every child for the first year or seven, of their lives.
Because breast milk contains actual magic, and if consumed until puberty, my child will grow their very own gifted unicorn spike that can predict weather patterns, compose classical masterpieces, and solve quadratic equations before they graduate from pre-school.
Got it.
Read the book, bought the T-shirt.
You see, I happened to nurse my firstborn exclusively for 20 glorious milky months (though the first month sucked bloody nipples), until I found out that I was pregnant again with dos bebés más. Thats twins.
Whom I then exclusively tandem nursed (think coordinated-milk spraying-freak-show) for four exhausting months, going on then to supplement while nursing until 10 months time, when they finally weaned.
So I do hear you on the wonders of why we should all lactate, as I enjoyed it firsthand for a total of 30 months out of the past 3.5 years of my life.
I agree that the stuff is worth it's weight in gold. GOLD, PEOPLE!!!
But here's my problem.
The last time I checked, it wasn't okay to act like a judgey, two faced, know-it-all, bitch.
EVER.
But especially not because YOUR jugs can produce ounce-loads of the good stuff, while others cannot, or CHOOSE not.
Mom snobbery at it's worst, I might propose.
It's as though we've gone back to middle school again, (as if it weren't scarring enough the first time around) except instead of being caddy about who has breasts yet and who doesn't, it's about who's breasts can feed their babies, and who's can't.
It's re-tit-culous.
(sorry, it's a problem)
Being a new mom is hard enough, but facing mommy milk shaming right out of the gate is just plain MADNESS.
But I digress for a moment, let's rewind.
As I said before, I tandem nursed my twins for 10 months, but that's not actually the whole story. Frustratingly enough, after month 4 when I got mastitis on the slower side, I was unfortunately left with only one lactating breast.
Which essentially means that I fed TWO squirming, ravenous babies from only ONE breast for SIX straight months.
That's some crazy shit.
And other than being lopsided AF, and some impressively stupid variety for my husband, it wasn't my favorite. But I persevered.
Why?
Because I happen to LOVE breastfeeding.
But guess what?
Some moms, do NOT LOVE breastfeeding.
In fact, some moms would rather shove needles the size of their giant, pepperoni like, post-birth nipples right up their urethra, than have their young suckle from their teet from dawn to dusk, know what I'm sayin?
And for those of you that aren't so sure about where I'm going here, just consider this: while breastmilk may be fantastic, and nutritionally superior for a baby, guess what else is just as healthy, if not MORE SO for that exact same infant?
The mental health, and emotional stability of the mother!
A less stressed mommy, leads to a happier baby, and that might just mean that the mom in question needs to reevaluate what breastfeeding is worth to her, and her sanity, and that by stopping it altogether would actually be the healthier alternative for her, AND her child.
Plain and simple.
Or at the very least, if she's still dead set on nursing, but is also becoming a hot mess by continuing to nurse, she should add in a couple of supplemental bottles of formula a day to give her a break.
Because that is totally acceptable to do both btw... that's actually a thing. You CAN have the best of both worlds. *Points to self*
Now, do I think that the moms who truly want to breastfeed, and have dreamt about it their entire pregnancy, but are going through the NORMAL and hard AF hazing period that is common to so many BF moms during the first few weeks, should just throw in the towel when the road gets rough?
Hell no!!
Because that choice would likely end up making her unhappy and regretful, which is also unhealthy. Plus, giving up that soon isn't necessary when there are THOUSANDS of resources, and informative online groups at a googles reach, to assist her in her time of need. By all means, she should press on and get the help of a lactation consultant, or an experienced friend.
In part, I'm here to say to the breastfeeding moms who want to continue, that it is hard and does take a great deal of determination in the beginning, but you can do it and it absolutely does get better. Keep at it, because you CAN do it!
But...
I'm also here to say this:
Formula is a life saver.
Without it, my infants would have been placed in the category of "failure to thrive", because my body didn't produce near enough milk to feed two infants after week 15, despite all 97 of my ridiculous efforts to increase its supply.
And I do hear you, as I too wish I could find a 100% safe and nutritionally sound formula, made up of nothing but organic tahitian coconut dust, politically correct smiles, and common core shaped IQ points at 17 bucks a pop, but I've yet to find this product, so it looks like the $16 organic Walmart version is the deal of the day, yes?
See as it turns out, it's just powdered milk with vitamins people, not f**king poison.
Why is this so hard for us?
I've heard one too many times from new mothers, something to the tune of "I was only able to breastfeed until he or she was x weeks old, and we've had to supplement, or switch completely to formula, ever since..."
Did you hear it?
Did you pick up on the dismal "we've had to supplement ever since" and "I was only able to..." mom-guilt crap lingo that I sadly spewed from my fingertips?
That's exactly what we're talking about here.
We have been so BEATEN over the head with the wonderful breastmilk information, and all of its amazing benefits, that it's turned into an internal shitstorm of milk-shaming, that seems to have forgotten all about the emotional health of the mother who's losing her mind trying to provide it!!
It JUST might not be her cup of tea, and yes, it is that simple.
Realizing that we don't know the full story behind anyone's choice NOT to breastfeed, is a great place to begin the end of this nonsense.
And by understanding that at the end of the day, the MOST important thing is a happy baby, and a FED baby, whether that be from bottle OR breast.
So seriously ladies, to that end, why don't we all just take our tits down a notch, and stop carelessly shaming those who choose different from us, and just build each other up instead?
You know, just for fun.
Cause it might just be the greatest thing EVER, and that's all.
My ass hat is off to you.
The mental health, and emotional stability of the mother!
A less stressed mommy, leads to a happier baby, and that might just mean that the mom in question needs to reevaluate what breastfeeding is worth to her, and her sanity, and that by stopping it altogether would actually be the healthier alternative for her, AND her child.
Plain and simple.
Or at the very least, if she's still dead set on nursing, but is also becoming a hot mess by continuing to nurse, she should add in a couple of supplemental bottles of formula a day to give her a break.
Because that is totally acceptable to do both btw... that's actually a thing. You CAN have the best of both worlds. *Points to self*
Now, do I think that the moms who truly want to breastfeed, and have dreamt about it their entire pregnancy, but are going through the NORMAL and hard AF hazing period that is common to so many BF moms during the first few weeks, should just throw in the towel when the road gets rough?
Hell no!!
Because that choice would likely end up making her unhappy and regretful, which is also unhealthy. Plus, giving up that soon isn't necessary when there are THOUSANDS of resources, and informative online groups at a googles reach, to assist her in her time of need. By all means, she should press on and get the help of a lactation consultant, or an experienced friend.
In part, I'm here to say to the breastfeeding moms who want to continue, that it is hard and does take a great deal of determination in the beginning, but you can do it and it absolutely does get better. Keep at it, because you CAN do it!
But...
I'm also here to say this:
Formula is a life saver.
Without it, my infants would have been placed in the category of "failure to thrive", because my body didn't produce near enough milk to feed two infants after week 15, despite all 97 of my ridiculous efforts to increase its supply.
And I do hear you, as I too wish I could find a 100% safe and nutritionally sound formula, made up of nothing but organic tahitian coconut dust, politically correct smiles, and common core shaped IQ points at 17 bucks a pop, but I've yet to find this product, so it looks like the $16 organic Walmart version is the deal of the day, yes?
See as it turns out, it's just powdered milk with vitamins people, not f**king poison.
Why is this so hard for us?
I've heard one too many times from new mothers, something to the tune of "I was only able to breastfeed until he or she was x weeks old, and we've had to supplement, or switch completely to formula, ever since..."
Did you hear it?
Did you pick up on the dismal "we've had to supplement ever since" and "I was only able to..." mom-guilt crap lingo that I sadly spewed from my fingertips?
That's exactly what we're talking about here.
We have been so BEATEN over the head with the wonderful breastmilk information, and all of its amazing benefits, that it's turned into an internal shitstorm of milk-shaming, that seems to have forgotten all about the emotional health of the mother who's losing her mind trying to provide it!!
It JUST might not be her cup of tea, and yes, it is that simple.
Realizing that we don't know the full story behind anyone's choice NOT to breastfeed, is a great place to begin the end of this nonsense.
And by understanding that at the end of the day, the MOST important thing is a happy baby, and a FED baby, whether that be from bottle OR breast.
So seriously ladies, to that end, why don't we all just take our tits down a notch, and stop carelessly shaming those who choose different from us, and just build each other up instead?
You know, just for fun.
Cause it might just be the greatest thing EVER, and that's all.
My ass hat is off to you.
Best of both worlds💙💙
mommin' ain't easy.
you're doing better than you think♣️
I see you're the type of person who reads to the very bottom of the page. You'll go far in life.
You'll also enjoy procrastinating further and silently wondering WTF, while reading these recent posts:
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The 6 Asinine Parenting Judgements That My Pre-Kids Self Made And Why I Want To Punch Her In The Vagina
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You'll also enjoy procrastinating further and silently wondering WTF, while reading these recent posts:
The Shocking Differences That Exist When Parenting For The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Time: A Useless 8 Step Guide
3 Unfortunate Subjects That You'll become An Expert In Once You Have Children
Motherhood: The Moments Are Hard But The Memories Are Easy
The 6 Asinine Parenting Judgements That My Pre-Kids Self Made And Why I Want To Punch Her In The Vagina
Identical Twins Share Their Secret Online Diary: 10th Month Edition
