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  Macgyvering My Way Through Motherhood

Macgyvering
my
way
through
​motherhood

Coffee needed, wine deserved.

Truth.

Dear Preschooler: Please Crap Your Pants And Lose Your Shoe, It's Time To Leave The House

4/25/2016

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By Macgill Frutchey

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Does your preschool aged child have "selective" hearing sometimes?

Wow... my fingers had a hard time even typing such a ludicrous question.

To say that my 3 year old, or any other that I've ever known for that matter, can have selective hearing at times, would be incredibly generous.

Most days, I believe the more pertinent wording is "disregard every meaningless word that I just said, and do whatever the %*$& you want" hearing.


It simply must be too boring for our little ones to follow our directions the first time they are given. Likely they're thinking, "Why should I do what mommy says right now, when running away and watching her chase me is infinitely more fun?"

Whatever the cause, one thing remains when it comes to preschool aged children: Whatever we are laying down, they are only half-assed picking up.

If you happen to have a preschool aged child, then chances are, you have daily experience with some of the following predicaments, where your thoughts and theirs, don't even begin to match up.


WHAT You SAY VS.
WHAT Your PRESCHOOLER HEARs:


1.What You Say:

​Please put on your shirt and grab your bag, we need to leave for school.
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What Your Preschooler Hears:

​Take off your pants and remove your diaper. Find one large box of cinnamon harvest cereal and tear it open as though you were raised by wolves, then sprint through the den attempting a yodeling yurchenko.
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2.What You Say:

​Hurry up and find your shoes, we have to leave here in 5 minutes.
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What Your Preschooler Hears:

​Go find an old toy car that you've never shown interest in until this very moment. Decide that it's the most fantastic treasure you've ever discovered, and meticulously remove all 9 of the decorative stickers that adorn it.

​Place 3 of them on the couch, 2 on your shirt, eat one, and stick the last 3 onto one of your twin brothers' legs.


$#*t yourself.
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IDentical twins share their secret online diary: 10th month edition

4/18/2016

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By Macgill Frutchey
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Monday
Twin A
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Dear diary:

Food is brilliant!

I managed to drop 27 fistfuls of it into my lap today at the colorful, spicy eating place, which of course then all somehow made its way onto the floor.


Oops!!😮

Lol.
Whatever...
I dropped half of that tasty $hit on purpose.


Good times😎
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On the car ride home after leaving this odoriferous joint, my clone and I fell right to sleep after taking turns screaming continuously for 10 minutes.

​I'm not even exactly sure why, but it probably had something to do with the fact that the place caused my entire family to smell like my daddy's left armpit does after he mows the lawn on Saturdays.

#sick✌🏻️

Tuesday
​Twin B
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Dear diary:

​At dinner this evening, my adult placed a very tasty concoction onto both mine and the other me's tall eating chair.


For the record, my chair was taller today.
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​As I began to shove finger-fulls of this deliciousness into my mouth, I couldn't decide if it was the actual bits of food, or my fingers themselves that were so tasty, so I proceeded to try and stick all of them completely down my throat, until I discovered an angry cough that caused me to suddenly produce my own hot liquid that tasted a lot like the food i had just eaten, but nastier.

It was wildly unpleasant😣

After repeating the exact same maneuver three more times, it occurred to me that indeed it was not my fingers that were so tasty, but the actual bits of food themselves.

Duh🙄

And as I went in for my fourth futile attempt, my nice adult alarmingly looked up from her rectangular light-up hand attachment, and ran over to stop me.

I've always liked her.
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​As she wiped my face, I happened to look over just as the other me was experimenting with the very same finger eating method that I had just discovered.


Shockingly, this seemed to disturb him quite a bit, as he too began to make the angry sounding cough that caused him to scream and throw his arms up in the air.

​Drama queen👑
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​I then decided to have myself a nice stiff cry at the horrific sight of it all.

#stronger💪🏻

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