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Have you ever found yourself so incomprehensibly tired, that you've somehow managed to fall fast asleep while teaching your free spirited 2 year old to crap into a tiny toilet, at the very same time that two infants simultaneously sucked the ever living $h*t out of your nipples?
Only then, to wake up to yourself catching one of the babies that's definitely rolling off of your nursing pillow, as you visually scan the room to discover your toddler pissing in the corner?
No?
Cause that's one jolly hell of a good time, if you ask me.
It also happens to combine all three of the following regrettable subjects that you'll likely become experienced in, once you become a parent.
And if not, then congrats to you my divergent friend, because you have somehow figured out how to rise above these proverbial conundrums, in which case do share your secrets.
Or don't, because I'll probably not buy into your impressive B.S. anyways.
1. SLEEP DEPRIVATION
- Denial
- Anger
- Tears
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
- The sensation that you're slightly hammered...
Also known as, the seven exciting stages of waking up when you're a sleep deprived parent.
You know, what they say is true, you actually don't know the complete meaning of what it is to be tired until you become a parent.
And believe me, there is a massively staggering difference between simply being "very tired", and being SLEEP DEPRIVED.
I don't say this to sound like a cocky lack of sleep know it all, but more as a slaphappy, experienced friend.
Because before having children, I definitely had my fair share of days that I could've sworn that I was sleep deprived.
You know, from the typical "pulling an all nighter" while studying for an organic chemistry, and anatomy & physiology exam variety, to the "hit the floor tanked" at 6:00 am, dance party and mixed drinks induced kind.
And absolutely, after being up all night and then hurrying off to school early the next morning, followed by a strenuous work schedule in the afternoon, I was extremely tired, and possibly quite hungover, depending on which scenario you choose.
But, the obvious difference there, is that I was able to then casually depart from work at my leisure, drive my tired butt home, walk straight up the stairs to my room and happily fall down into my unshared bed, only to slip peacefully into a deep and restful slumber, right through till morning.
And I probably even slept in until 7:15, although at the time I probably thought of that as really
f*cking early.
But notice, I said there were merely DAYS, of being sleep deprived...not months, or years.
Yes...I said YEARS.
Years of existing on fractions of sleep, because for some parents, that's actually a thing.
Fortunately though, not every parent will experience sleep deprivation for years at a time, as I suppose that's just reserved for the lucky few. And while I'd love to say that most parents will only truly be deprived of the good stuff for the first 3 months of each of their babys' lives, that's not entirely correct.
I mean sure, if you mind your p's and q's, then there's a short window of time during their first year or two of life, that your little angel might sleep all night.
Yes...I said YEARS.
Years of existing on fractions of sleep, because for some parents, that's actually a thing.
Fortunately though, not every parent will experience sleep deprivation for years at a time, as I suppose that's just reserved for the lucky few. And while I'd love to say that most parents will only truly be deprived of the good stuff for the first 3 months of each of their babys' lives, that's not entirely correct.
I mean sure, if you mind your p's and q's, then there's a short window of time during their first year or two of life, that your little angel might sleep all night.
But then they grow. And turn into these lankier, mystifying creatures, called toddlers.
And toddlers are great...except when they're not.
And when they're not, they enjoy changing their identity to reflect that of a cryptically complex, and petulant buzzkill. Which usually occurs when they're tired, or should be sleeping.
And why, I'm not exactly sure, but these trying creatures find it important to sometimes be awake between the hours of 3 and 6 am.
Actually, if my tired memory serves me correctly, it could be because they hold the burning desire to climb out of their bed, and forage around in the dark like the creepmasters they are, for things like whistles at 5:12am, so that they can effortlessly wake their twin baby brothers and the entitre neighborhood, all at the very same time.
But who am I kidding, even when all 3 of my little men do sleep all night, I'm still the one waking frequently, sheerly out of habit.
Ah well, I suppose that'll come in handy when they're teenagers.
But as a final note, I have one last piece of advice for you on this matter.
When visiting with friends that have recently had a baby, and they just so happen to be sleep deprived, please never assume that it's copacetic to give them unsolicited sleep advice, or to casually inform them that they "may only" have a few more weeks of being stupidly tired.
Because that's an excellent way to get throat punched.
Considering that they're entangled somewhere deep in the sleep annihilating center of hell, time for them is likely creeping along at the lazy pace of a microorganism on the lacquered ass of a turtle.
To sum up, it's hard and slow.
And all they have is the hope that, maybe that night, their baby will sleep more than 2 to 3 hours at a stretch.
Let them keep their hope, because it's important.
Just hug them instead, gently grab their baby, (or babies!) from their weary arms, and politely tell them to go lie down for five hours.
Or at the very least, bring them 7 shots of espresso, and strategically hide a bottle of wine in the pantry before leaving.
Because coffee and wine, also happen to be vital in this adventure.
And there we have it, in a groggy little nutshell.
Emphasis on NUTshell.
And toddlers are great...except when they're not.
And when they're not, they enjoy changing their identity to reflect that of a cryptically complex, and petulant buzzkill. Which usually occurs when they're tired, or should be sleeping.
And why, I'm not exactly sure, but these trying creatures find it important to sometimes be awake between the hours of 3 and 6 am.
Actually, if my tired memory serves me correctly, it could be because they hold the burning desire to climb out of their bed, and forage around in the dark like the creepmasters they are, for things like whistles at 5:12am, so that they can effortlessly wake their twin baby brothers and the entitre neighborhood, all at the very same time.
But who am I kidding, even when all 3 of my little men do sleep all night, I'm still the one waking frequently, sheerly out of habit.
Ah well, I suppose that'll come in handy when they're teenagers.
But as a final note, I have one last piece of advice for you on this matter.
When visiting with friends that have recently had a baby, and they just so happen to be sleep deprived, please never assume that it's copacetic to give them unsolicited sleep advice, or to casually inform them that they "may only" have a few more weeks of being stupidly tired.
Because that's an excellent way to get throat punched.
Considering that they're entangled somewhere deep in the sleep annihilating center of hell, time for them is likely creeping along at the lazy pace of a microorganism on the lacquered ass of a turtle.
To sum up, it's hard and slow.
And all they have is the hope that, maybe that night, their baby will sleep more than 2 to 3 hours at a stretch.
Let them keep their hope, because it's important.
Just hug them instead, gently grab their baby, (or babies!) from their weary arms, and politely tell them to go lie down for five hours.
Or at the very least, bring them 7 shots of espresso, and strategically hide a bottle of wine in the pantry before leaving.
Because coffee and wine, also happen to be vital in this adventure.
And there we have it, in a groggy little nutshell.
Emphasis on NUTshell.
2. sHIT
Literally, and figuratively.
Figuratively speaking, you'll find yourself daily, up to your ass-crack in scattered piles, of fascinating, overpriced, and mostly unnecessary $hit.
In every. single. room. in your house.
And If not daily, then at least tri-weekly (is that a thing?) this will likely be the unfortunate case.
It'll appear as though Buy Buy Baby has acquiescently defecated in your living room, and then, to celebrate the ridiculousness of that absurd sh*t, every lost raisin, stale cracker crumb, and leaking juice cup have come out to join this asinine party.
It's science.
With one baby, the crap in your home will quadruple.
With two, it sextuples.
With three or more, just multiply the difference in your ass size now, to circa... 1 year before you got knocked up with your first baby, then multiply it by the number of times you've been too tired to have sex since becoming a parent, and you'll arrive at the approximate amount.
Give or take a few.
"That's madness!" You say.
Your math doesn't add up!"
Or possibly even, "Thats stupid, and the way you write about it actually bothers the s#it out of me."
Ding, ding, ding!
Nice work on all three.
Ain't that some sh*t?
(might be getting a little carried away with the theme here)
Figuratively speaking, you'll find yourself daily, up to your ass-crack in scattered piles, of fascinating, overpriced, and mostly unnecessary $hit.
In every. single. room. in your house.
And If not daily, then at least tri-weekly (is that a thing?) this will likely be the unfortunate case.
It'll appear as though Buy Buy Baby has acquiescently defecated in your living room, and then, to celebrate the ridiculousness of that absurd sh*t, every lost raisin, stale cracker crumb, and leaking juice cup have come out to join this asinine party.
It's science.
With one baby, the crap in your home will quadruple.
With two, it sextuples.
With three or more, just multiply the difference in your ass size now, to circa... 1 year before you got knocked up with your first baby, then multiply it by the number of times you've been too tired to have sex since becoming a parent, and you'll arrive at the approximate amount.
Give or take a few.
"That's madness!" You say.
Your math doesn't add up!"
Or possibly even, "Thats stupid, and the way you write about it actually bothers the s#it out of me."
Ding, ding, ding!
Nice work on all three.
Ain't that some sh*t?
(might be getting a little carried away with the theme here)
But, if you couldn't identify with any of that nonsense, because your house astonishingly remains in a state of immaculacy, then you either:
A. have a daily maid, and lots of cash
B. are type A, with functioning OCD (I'm open to pointers)
Or,
C. have a coffee addiction that is stronger than mine and you never stop cleaning, in which case, good for you, but maybe get some help with that overachieving s#it.
Gesundheit.
A. have a daily maid, and lots of cash
B. are type A, with functioning OCD (I'm open to pointers)
Or,
C. have a coffee addiction that is stronger than mine and you never stop cleaning, in which case, good for you, but maybe get some help with that overachieving s#it.
Gesundheit.
And now, moving onto literal terms, just go ahead and get accustomed to smelling, observing, touching, spilling, hearing, inspecting, explaining, discovering, catching, yes catching, dropping, smearing, scrubbing, wiping, disinfecting, and holding human s#it for the next decade, more or less.
Phew.
But cheer up, my overwhelmed friend.
It's going to be a shit-storming, good time.
Phew.
But cheer up, my overwhelmed friend.
It's going to be a shit-storming, good time.
3. Multitasking
Wait...how is multitasking an unfortunate thing, you might be wondering?
Well often times, I suppose that it's not, but seeing that my sleep deprived self, has been continuously searching through figurative piles of misplaced crap, looking for my sanity, and the lost container of wipes, so that I can wipe the literal $hit from all 3 of my children's backsides, while also attempting to halfway listen to my 3 year old's confession about how he just "ackadently" flushed the toilet that's clogged upstairs, at the same time that I successfully burned lunch, then yeah, I guess you could say that it's sometimes unfortunate.
Maybe it's just the fact that while you are able to simultaneously perform 10 different things at once, in essence you're only effectively accomplishing zero things.
Or at the very least, it's just a complicated glitch, on this never-ending, learning curve that we call parenthood.
And for the record, multi tasking when you're a parent, is vastly different from what you may have believed multitasking to be, before you had kids.
What do I mean?
Well, for example, let's just say that you're a newly married, mid-twenty something bloke, who's just brushing up on the art of multitasking.
Perhaps you've recently found yourself able to chop and cook dinner, while tidying the kitchen, responding to an email, and talking on the phone with your significant other, all at the very same time?
Mmmhmm.
Impressed with yourself, are you?
Yes.
What a nice little scenario we have there.
Well often times, I suppose that it's not, but seeing that my sleep deprived self, has been continuously searching through figurative piles of misplaced crap, looking for my sanity, and the lost container of wipes, so that I can wipe the literal $hit from all 3 of my children's backsides, while also attempting to halfway listen to my 3 year old's confession about how he just "ackadently" flushed the toilet that's clogged upstairs, at the same time that I successfully burned lunch, then yeah, I guess you could say that it's sometimes unfortunate.
Maybe it's just the fact that while you are able to simultaneously perform 10 different things at once, in essence you're only effectively accomplishing zero things.
Or at the very least, it's just a complicated glitch, on this never-ending, learning curve that we call parenthood.
And for the record, multi tasking when you're a parent, is vastly different from what you may have believed multitasking to be, before you had kids.
What do I mean?
Well, for example, let's just say that you're a newly married, mid-twenty something bloke, who's just brushing up on the art of multitasking.
Perhaps you've recently found yourself able to chop and cook dinner, while tidying the kitchen, responding to an email, and talking on the phone with your significant other, all at the very same time?
Mmmhmm.
Impressed with yourself, are you?
Yes.
What a nice little scenario we have there.
Now, I'd like you to hold that same image in your mind, but fast forward 5 years, and place a fidgety, screaming baby into your arms, (or two if you're feeling lucky), who has just spat curdled milk vomit down your back, while your full blown tornado of a toddler, accurately dumps an entire box of Cheerios onto the floor, and ear-splittingly whirls past you for the 30th time in a row, while listening to you attempt to heatedly inform your spouse, on the other end of the phone, which specific brand of wipes and organic gluten free burritos that you desire, as you simultaneously attempt to mentally process wtf your neglected, semi-old friend's passive aggressive FB comment was supposed to mean, while you unsuccessfully try to thaw frozen vegetables on the stovetop.
All while trying to rewash, for the third time, the fermented load of laundry that you forgot about, so that your children don't have to go to bed in second day ripe pjs again.
This also happens to be the multitasking lite version, but I highly recommend the upgrade, cause she's a stunner.
And keep in mind, I'm only talking about multitasking when you have three children.
So what in the assfire is wrong with me when I start daydreaming, and winking at the man about a fourth? And how the hell do parents with more than 3 children, do it all?!
Nevertheless, as peaceful as all that sounds, multitasking isn't without its slew of confidence boosting perks as well.
I'll have you know, that since giving birth to twins just 11 short months ago, that I have expanded my impressive multitasking abilities.
Truly.
I am now capable, of completely forgetting whatever the f&@) it is that I'm doing, while I'm actually doing it, all while forgetting to remember, what I just thought that I didn't think that I remembered that I forgot that I knew.
No...Wait.
What?
Oh, nevermind.
I can't remember what I mean anyways.
Who knows, maybe my slightly hammered brain will explain it to me later, while I'm up disinfecting fecal matter and not sleeping, but still celebrating this crazy life in spite of it all.
All while trying to rewash, for the third time, the fermented load of laundry that you forgot about, so that your children don't have to go to bed in second day ripe pjs again.
This also happens to be the multitasking lite version, but I highly recommend the upgrade, cause she's a stunner.
And keep in mind, I'm only talking about multitasking when you have three children.
So what in the assfire is wrong with me when I start daydreaming, and winking at the man about a fourth? And how the hell do parents with more than 3 children, do it all?!
Nevertheless, as peaceful as all that sounds, multitasking isn't without its slew of confidence boosting perks as well.
I'll have you know, that since giving birth to twins just 11 short months ago, that I have expanded my impressive multitasking abilities.
Truly.
I am now capable, of completely forgetting whatever the f&@) it is that I'm doing, while I'm actually doing it, all while forgetting to remember, what I just thought that I didn't think that I remembered that I forgot that I knew.
No...Wait.
What?
Oh, nevermind.
I can't remember what I mean anyways.
Who knows, maybe my slightly hammered brain will explain it to me later, while I'm up disinfecting fecal matter and not sleeping, but still celebrating this crazy life in spite of it all.
MOMMIN' AIN'T EASY.
YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK.
