Macgyvering My Way Through Motherhood

11 Ridiculous Truths You May Identify with If You Live With Tiny Humans

6/2/2016

If parenting has taught me anything, it's that I can do just about everything with only one hand. Actually, many things can even be accomplished with zero hands and one foot... but that's another ridiculous post entirely.

There is an endless amount of hilariously crazy times to be had when you live with tiny humans, and the following relatable truths are no exception.

Unless you happen to be a perfect parent... in which case, that's too bad.

1. Your current housekeeping style is best described as:

"There appears to have been a struggle."

Even if it was immaculate one hour before your little people encountered it.

2. Upon mastering after dinner group bath time with your fidgety children, you fancifully imagine that you'd be quite capable of bathing a restless alligator, or maybe an unstable octopus.

Possibly even a couple of pissed off Mandarin ducks.

3. The gagging noises that baby's sometimes make when eating (i.e. at every meal and every time they find a tiny piece of ancient crap on the floor), often sound like choking.

Hearing this sound is also one of the quickest ways to find yourself suffering from heart failure, and/or a panic attack.

4. Ever since the day that you arrived home from the hospital with baby number two, your toddler has demonstrated two choice personalities that are best described by either of the following:

A. An adorable and funny kid, who makes your heart melt into a schmaltzy pile of amorous goo.

B. A raving lunatic that drives you to drink and quietly use the word motherf#cker a great deal.

Which essentially means that at any given moment throughout your day, you are feeling one of two ways:

A. Delighted and proud

B. Irritated and pissed

5. You estimate that attempting to place your distracted, thrash-kicky baby into full body snap pajamas, is only slightly easier than trying to shove butter up a hedgehog's hole with a hot needle.

#yowza

6. That 5 minute window of time when your kitchen floors are actually clean, and small pieces of unidentified, crunchy wet nastiness aren't picked up by your bare feet, feels like a mini vacation.

7. Sh*tting yourself 3 days after eating copious amounts of bananas and avocados is evidently terrifying for a 12 month old.

Similarly, witnessing your frightened clone sh*t himself several days after eating too many tropical fruits of the forest, is also devastating.

8. Based on unfortunate trial and error, you deduce that prematurely pulling your baby from a warm bath into a cold room, would elicit the exact same response as driving a twig painted with sriracha up his ass crack.

#rad

9. Discovering an 11 hour old, unfinished bottle of formula smells the exact same as finding a 3 day old turd in a bag.

What the sh*t is that?

10. You often show affection to your small children by holding them against their will and repeatedly kissing them while whispering "I love you" as they indignantly struggle to break free.

11. The welcomed aromas that you enjoy and have purposefully placed into your home, such as the delightful new scent of a citrus soy candle, will sadly only be fragrant when lit and perfume only the room it resides in.

However, in the 90 seconds that it takes to change a couple of size 3 diapers, the uninviting and blazing aroma of fresh human s#it will travel to every single room in your home, unpack its putrid bags, and linger for an unfortunate amount of time.

#beastly